Then the doctor asked about my depression...
The issue of depression came up because while I was waiting I had to answer a questionaire about mental illness. I was diagnosed with depression years ago. Something I have lived with for years in silence. He asked if I were on meds at one point. I told him yes... First was Zoloft. It was prescribed to me after I had little Landon. That was 12 years ago. I took it for a few months but stopped because it made me want to kill myself. I would actually stand in my kitchen with my daughter and son and picture myself walking into oncoming cars. I would have other moments too where I thought about ending my life. I didn't like those thoughts at all and stopped taking them. I went to the doctor and told him how I felt and was then put on Effexor XR. Same results. Except the pills made me out of sorts and angry. Needless to say I didn't last on them either. Went back to the doctor and told him I didn't want to do meds anymore. I wanted to find other ways of coping.
So how did I cope? Writing in journals. My mom gave me that idea years ago. Writing my feelings always helped me get through my sadness, pain, anger, loneliness. A question in the questionaire asked "Do you feel lonely?" All the time. Depression is a mental illness where you can be surrounded by all the people you love but still feel like you're alone. I'm surrounded by my kids and my husband and some days I do feel absolutely alone. I feel like I have no one. When I know that they're there.
I have sat down many nights and wrote in a book, I feel alone, I have no one, I want to run away, I wish I could disappear from this earth because who would care anyway... In the light of Chester Benningtons death I know his pain. I know his sadness. I know the feeling of wanting to end it. I do. I have been a fan of Linkin Park since Hybrid Theory came out. I was a teenager then and dealing with deep sadness. Linkin Parks music and lyrics brought me out of the darkness many times. His death saddened me because in many of his songs I felt his pain. Its sad to see such a influence take his life. Not gonna lie but in the past I have been there. I however don't want to cause that kind of pain on my husband or children. So I stay and wallow in my sadness, my pain, my loneliness. But for others it just doesn't happen. Others see that maybe their families are better off without them. I once had those thoughts too.
I cope because I have to. I have a husband and four amazing kids that I don't want to leave behind. So I write. I write how I'm feeling. I write if I am sad or lonely. Hell... I write when I'm angry and pissed off at the world. The Dr said that was the greatest advice my mom could've gave me and I smiled and said "I know."
If you ever feel alone or sad just know that there are people who care. Talk about it. Write about it. Sing about it. Do what you gotta do. Life is precious. Live it the best you can.
Lyrics from the song Until Its Gone by Linkin Park always touched me....
Amelia,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story. It made me feel sad and happy for you. You and your family are great.
Somehow you writing made remember a poem. I don't know who wrote it. If I remember it, it goes like this:
I wondered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high over vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils,
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Flattering and dancing in the breeze.
.........