Would you accept?

The other day a friend messaged me for some advice. Her daughter sat down with her and told my friend that she is in love with a girl. She wasn't shocked by it because she had always known her daughter found girls attractive. When her daughter was little she would point out little girls and talk about how beautiful they were. In a way she feels torn because her daughter is her only child but on the other hand she is okay with it and adores the girl that her daughter is in love with. But she asked me if I would accept it if one of my kids came out as gay. Would I accept them?

My answer is yes. If one of my twin sons or daughter sat me down and told me that they were into guys or girls I would totally accept it. Why? How could I not? I would be getting in the way of their happiness. If I didn't support them I would be showing them that its shameful to love who they love. I can't do that. I love my kids with my whole heart. If they want to be with someone from the same sex than I think they should do what makes them happy. I would accept it because love is love. 

Would I be shocked? Of course I would because my daughter is totally attracted to Asian boys and my boys love girls. When I say love I mean LOVE. They're totally into girls of all walks of life. They get embarrassed about it sometimes but trust me my son Gavin says he wants a girl like Beyonce, sassy, beautiful with some spice. Makes me laugh I swear. Brennan has a crush on a little girl at school but refuses to tell me her name because he says "she doesn't know I like her and I want to keep it that way". Its so cute how embarrassed he gets when it comes to girls. Hes in the "denial" stage. I remember those days. 

I was asked last year about how I would feel if my boys or daughter brought home a "minority" girlfriend or boyfriend? I told them that I would not have a problem with it. If they fall for someone who isn't white who am I to tell them that they can't be with that person? Yes I am mom. But honestly I would be a hypocrite if I didn't accept because my first love was black. I was 15 when I met him. We would hang out and watch movies. For me James was a person. His skin color didn't matter. Just like it shouldn't matter for my kids. If they want to love who they love than I'll be happy for them. No matter if its a same sex relationship or a relationship with a minority. As long as they're happy that is all that matters to me.

I gotta say though that if my boys do end up marrying feisty, beautiful women like Beyonce I hope they can handle them. Cause women like that don't play and they aren't afraid to show it.        

So would I accept my kids on who they love? Absolutely. If you don't accept it you're denying who they are and showing them that how they feel is wrong. Its not. Love is a beautiful thing that we as humans get to experience. Let them have their happiness and experience love with whoever they want. They only get one life... Let them live it. 

See it from their perspective

When it comes to raising a kid on the spectrum. We can't really tell what they're thinking. How they're feeling. Its basically a guessing game. Unless your child is high functioning and is able to express their feelings in their own way. My son Landon is non verbal. He can say some words but he cannot express to me why hes angry. In many ways he shows that hes angry as a way of expressing the frustration he is feeling and in those moments I just do what I can to get through because that is the downside of autism.

You gotta see it from their perspective and remember that if they could express their feelings through speech I'm sure we would hear a earful.

You have moments of frustration and moments of wanting to run and hide. Yes its rough dealing with the meltdowns, the screaming, the hitting, headbutting and hair pulling. Trust me it hurts like hell. But think about what they're going through. A lot of kids on the spectrum can't express that they're sad or angry so how do they show it? That's right.. Through meltdowns. There have been moments where Landon will meltdown at the drop of the hat and I'm bracing for hits, hair pulls and sometimes even headbutts. But I have learned to redirect his meltdowns with songs, tickles and even making dumb noises. Yes surprisingly it works. His laugh is so contagious I literally laugh with him. It never fails. But that doesn't mean it works with other children on the spectrum or in my case teenager on the spectrum.

I have had many discussions with parents whose kids are on the spectrum and I gotta say. I share their frustration. I know how they feel when it comes to the chaos that comes out of nowhere.But I also understand that my son Landon doesn't have the social skills to tell me that hes mad. He can't tell me whats setting him off. He can only express his anger through the only way he knows how and most of the time he takes it out on himself. I can't stand to watch my kid hit himself, punch himself and even bang his head. So I have resorted to figuring out ways to getting him out of his frustration. 

I think if you can find a song that calms them down, counting, singing, tickling and maybe even toys, noises or lights that they enjoy. If you can work on getting them out of their meltdowns.. It makes it so much easier to cope. Its something I learned over time. Even a hand held massager works on Landon. I have found that the vibration distracts him. Then again he is also cognitive impaired. He has a sensory delay so he enjoys the vibrations. 

As I have told other parents that it depends on the kid and what helps soothes them. Every kid on the spectrum is different. Some don't like to be touched. Some can't handle noise. I think if parents took the time to figure out what calms their kids down it would help. As I have learned its takes time to figure out the quirks of what makes them happy. Once you figure it out you definitely have to change it up.

I can say that raising Landon has been a big learning experience. I have learned more compassion and understanding. Raising him has made me a better person. I think it has shown me how cruel the world can actually be by people who don't understand and their ignorance shows. Its very disheartening but at the same time it helps me raise my other three kids to be the opposite. Not to judge. To show understanding and to never mistreat someone who is different that them. To be a great example to show the people that its okay that their brother is different but he is still a person. I am proud to say that my kids do just that everyday. 

An upside of autism is the smiles, the laughs, the unconditional love they show in their own special way. I wouldn't trade Landons smile or contagious laugh for another kid. Hes been Landon since the day he was born. Regardless of his autism. I don't think I could live without him and his quirks. I have learned so much from our special little man. 

If we all took the time to see the side of their world it would make it easier to understand why they lash out. How they feel. As a mom of a child on the spectrum I can honestly say that I wish I could put a voice into Landon. But that doesn't mean I want to change him. I just want him to be able to say I'm angry mom and this is why..

Never apologize to a parent with a special needs child or teen

Seriously... Just don't. There is never a good time to say "I am so sorry your son has autism and cognitive impairment. I cannot imagine what that must be like." Of course you can't. But understand.. As a mom who has known her son has been special needs since the womb there is nothing more I want to hear than I am sorry.

Don't be sorry. I don't need your sympathy. I don't need you to make it seem like because I am a parent of a "special needs child" that my life is over. Trust me when I say that it isn't. Do I wish the challenges and everyday chaos that ensues was easier? Hell yeah.

My son Landon is fourteen years old. He's strong, hyper active and very much a busy body. There are some days I run on empty. Coffee is my best friend a lot. But raising him I have learned so much. I have learned about compassion, activism and how to use my voice. Before I had kids I was a shy person. Never spoke up. Always kept to myself. Never really put myself out there. I liked being a loner. A quiet person. Then I got married and had kids and all that changed.

I advocate for all four of my kids. When my daughter was being bullied in middle school I called the school right away and spoke to the principal and the social worker because when my daughter gets to the point she doesn't want to go to school we have a problem. That problem was fixed. She got through it and now shes in high school and has so many friends that I can't keep track of names half the time.

I did the same for my twins and I do the same for Landon. Even though he goes to autism impaired school I have had my fair share of dealing with teachers and staff. He has had great teachers and some that would make me go off because they have no business being a special needs teacher. I have even had my fair share of moments with doctors too like Landons first pediatrician. This man is supposedly one of the best in the state of Michigan yet he kept telling us that Landon was just being lazy. That he needed to be put in a sitting position on the couch or the chair. That he didn't need a neurologist and got pissed off and dropped our kids as patients as soon as he found out that we got a neurologist anyway. Who by the way did their job, ran tests and even diagnosed Landon with motor apraxia. Guess what. No matter how much we tried to follow the "pediatricians" advice he didn't get better, It took a neuro and the MIPP program to get Landon to sit up, crawl and eventually walk.

It really bugs me when people apologize for your son or daughter because they're special needs. Yes we go through so much more but we also learn to cope and push through the challenges cause we have to. No one else is gonna make sure that they get a somewhat normal life like we do. Its either let them slip or fight for them and I don't know about other parents but I'm gonna fight for Landon every step of the way.

Sure its not peachy. There are days where I want to hide from everyone. But then what good does that do? It doesn't help him or his siblings if mama wants to run and hide. I suck it up and face it head on. You can't raise a special needs child or in my case teen with the mentality of running away. Cause whose gonna be their advocate? Who is gonna fight for them? Who is gonna be there when the public is not so nice and understanding? I will.

And with the public you have to bite your tongue a lot. I have never in my life disliked people in general until I became a parent of a special needs child. All those "friends" you had are gone. MIA. You take your son or daughter out to the store or into the community and you deal with the stares, the comments and the downright animosity because your kid is "different". I had a lady tell me at the park that our son had no business being there like he had aids or a contagious disease that will be spread to every kid there. It took everything in me not to yell at her in front of her kid. Instead I simply said to her "I feel sorry that your kids are being raised by a person like you" then I walked away. I don't know how other parents feel when it comes to raising their special needs kids. But I can say that it really opens your eyes to how the world REALLY is when a person finds out your kid is special needs.

We don't want to hear "I'm sorry", "Oh no that's terrible" or my all time cringe worthy phrase "you poor thing, its too bad that your son can't be normal" As if being "normal" is so great anyway. Cause let me tell you. Some "normal" people show the ugly inside when they look at your kid like hes carrying the plague and will kill off the human race. And I'm not exaggerating that. The death stares that my kid has received would make you think that the Terminator was real. Seriously...

Look at his face.. Hes a happy go lucky kid who is always smiling. Hes just so awesome <3

So please the next time you have a conversation with a special needs parent or a parent with a deaf child or blind child do not apologize. Instead show them some compassion. Some understanding and take the time to listen to their struggle. Just talk to them. Cause like you, we like to have someone to talk to. We like the interaction even if its about the weather, sports or maybe whats going on in the world.