Thursday, February 23, 2017

When everythings meant to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.

This is me. A mom of four. A mom of a special needs child. Emotionally and physically drained. Some days I feel like years have been added to my life. No joke. I seriously feel as if I am going to fall apart. I cannot stress enough how much it takes a toll on ones mind alone.

People... Since I became a mom of a special needs child it has turned me into a anti people person. I literally can't stand the stares. The comments. The advice they feel you need to hear. This morning was a bad morning and my sons bus driver felt the need to give her own advice. While I'm standing there hyperventilating and crying because Landon decided to fight me to the bus. I was already breaking down. I didn't need to be told how to handle my son. She hasn't been the only one. I deal with this every time we go somewhere. Someones always gotta say something. They know better than you. Its so frustrating. I have thought many times to just pack my family up and run to an isolated place. You know its sad when a person gets to that point.

Yes Landon is a handful. We have good days. We have bad days. There is no in between. Lets be real here. I have cried more in the past year than I ever have. Teenage hormones have changed him. Hes become more outgoing and has acted out more than in the past years. There are days where I do walk into my room and I just cry. Something my mom always told us six kids to do. When you're overwhelmed and feel like you need to scream. Do it. You need to cry out of frustration. Do it. Don't hold it in.

Its a job in itself raising a special needs kid. The hours and days of therapies. The government coming into your house. Dealing with CPS. Having to explain every cut, bruise and mark in notes so CPS doesn't show up at your door again. When you have a son who doesn't feel pain and goes down the stairs on his knees... Writing that note was a doozy. I think I have written so many I could've written a book. Its sad that I have to do that. But I hate dealing with CPS. We had a worker a few years ago. She was a real winner. Actually asked my husband about my mental state because I was still grieving the LOSS of my sister months before. Yeah... Nice right? She really enjoyed seeing me upset. You could see it in her eyes. I don't even remember what her name was but when she tried to throw Native American documentation at me and told me I should do it for benefits I looked at her like she lost her damn marbles. Like I'm going to claim to be from a tribe in Michigan just to claim benefits? HA! (It was her way of making it right.) What a joke.

Dealing with teachers these past couple of years.. I'm telling you. If I could homeschool my kid I would. Just to avoid the constant phone calls, notes and meetings. They want you to medicate your kid until he becomes a zombie you know... aka manageable. If you try new medications and they don't work well try again... Try and try again. If their hyperactive they have to be on meds.  Its a no win situation. The same with cold meds and allergy meds. Landon has allergies all year round like me. He got my curse. There are only 1-2 over the counter meds I can give him for it that don't counteract his four medications he is on. One pharmacist actually told me that certain over the counter meds can cause my kid to go into cardiac arrest because of the strong medications hes on. Try to explain that to the teacher and nothing but argument. Its like they don't want to listen to you.

All of that alone makes me feel worn down. I literally cannot count how many times I have hung up with teachers and cried because of frustration. Somedays I just want to walk into a hospital and say take me. lol. Seriously though I have stayed up many nights in the past couple of weeks with Landon who was too riled up to go to bed and think about how nice sleep would be. How nice it is for everyone who is sleeping right now. Then when that finally does happen its 3 or 4 in the morning. I literally can't sit down during the day because if I do I'm out. lol. Not good folks. Not good at all.

Landon is a awesome kid. He really is. I wouldn't trade him nor his siblings for anything. I love them all to the moon and back. We have given up so much. My husband gave up his favorite job (US Coast Guard). I have fought to get him the services he needs and deserves. Countless disagreements with doctors who said he couldn't do this and that. Well.. They were totally wrong. He did all of what they said and more. He will walk through the house with a smile on his face. Loves to try to sing the words to songs of one of his favorite bands Of Monsters and Men. King and Lionheart is still his favorite song.

Laugh at accents like they're the greatest thing ever. He lives his life like there isn't a care in the world. I wish I could live like that. Finally have that library I always wanted. Go on a honeymoon we never had. Even just go on a hike in the woods and lose myself. But all of that is just thoughts. Wishes. Something that is never going to happen. But in the end seeing his face, Cheyennes face, Gavin and Brennans faces every day makes it worth it.

People ask me "how do you do it? How do you raise a special needs child and not drink or lose it?" I simply say " I'm his mom. I accepted this when he was 18 months old. I have been by his side since day one and honestly...
I do it because no one else would."

1 comment:

  1. Landon is awesome, you are awesome and your family is awesome. I think that if you never lived with a kid with special needs, you don't completely understand what it means. The teachers and other "specialists" should take us seriously, not with doubts. So us moms and grandmothers with special need children and grandchildren lets be proud of them and ourselves. I wish your family a nice weekend. With love and respect, a proud foster mother of 6 fas-children and a grandmother of a down-boy.