When life gives you lemons

Oct 7 2019 my husband loses his job. Our only form of income. It’s now December and we’re struggling. No money to pay our landlord. So who knows if we will have a home in the new year. We have four teenagers who know that Christmas isn’t gonna be great. In fact I don’t even want to celebrate it. We usually bake cookies. Go buy a real tree. Paint ornaments around this time. All of that fun has been replaced with depression, anxiety and stress. Thanks to the UAW strike back in September and October, our family was screwed over. . Those who protested didn’t care about the people they were affecting when they were looking for more money. It was all about them. Forget about all the families that were affected including mine.

My husband has been putting in for jobs since Oct with no call backs. He has been waiting for unemployment to kick in. He filed in Oct and it’s now Dec.  It’s like 2019 is giving us a big ole fuck you. We have been to Veterans Affairs who have graciously helped him make a better resume and is determined to help him find a job. Just wish it would be better.

People say they’re praying for us and to keep faith. What is faith gonna do for a family of six? What is faith gonna do when you have rent due, bills and four teenagers, one who is special needs. Faith is for those who have something to believe in. At this point in my life I believe in nothing. The only good thing that has happened for us is we get diapers for our 15 year old now. We don’t have to pay for them anymore. That’s the only positive. Our daughter graduates in 2020 and we still haven’t been able to pay for her cap and gown. Might not be able to with the way it’s going right now. It’s sad how a man spends almost 17 years working at one place faithfully (was given other job offers years ago) only to lose it at the drop of the hat with no problem. He should’ve taken those jobs. Sure our family would’ve had to uproot out of the god forsaken state of Michigan but at least he would have a job. We wouldn’t be worrying about how we’re gonna tell our landlord today that we don’t have the $850 we owe him. Nor do we know when he can give it to him. We have never missed a rent payment until now and it’s so damn frustrating. So faith can go out the door and take a walk into the next century.

How do you cope?

Is what my doctor asked me today. Today I went to the doctors to find out why I for the past couple of weeks have been feeling like I'm on fire. Skin hot to the touch. Lava under my skin. So I mentioned having my thyroid checked since issues run in my moms family.

Then the doctor asked about my depression...

The issue of depression came up because while I was waiting I had to answer a questionaire about mental illness. I was diagnosed with depression years ago. Something I have lived with for years in silence. He asked if I were on meds at one point. I told him yes... First was Zoloft. It was prescribed to me after I had little Landon. That was 12 years ago. I took it for a few months but stopped because it made me want to kill myself. I would actually stand in my kitchen with my daughter and son and picture myself walking into oncoming cars. I would have other moments too where I thought about ending my life. I didn't like those thoughts at all and stopped taking them. I went to the doctor and told him how I felt and was then put on Effexor XR. Same results. Except the pills made me out of sorts and angry. Needless to say I didn't last on them either. Went back to the doctor and told him I didn't want to do meds anymore. I wanted to find other ways of coping.

So how did I cope? Writing in journals. My mom gave me that idea years ago. Writing my feelings always helped me get through my sadness, pain, anger, loneliness. A question in the questionaire asked "Do you feel lonely?" All the time. Depression is a mental illness where you can be surrounded by all the people you love but still feel like you're alone. I'm surrounded by my kids and my husband and some days I do feel absolutely alone. I feel like I have no one. When I know that they're there.

I have sat down many nights and wrote in a book, I feel alone, I have no one, I want to run away, I wish I could disappear from this earth because who would care anyway... In the light of Chester Benningtons death I know his pain. I know his sadness. I know the feeling of wanting to end it. I do. I have been a fan of Linkin Park since Hybrid Theory came out. I was a teenager then and dealing with deep sadness. Linkin Parks music and lyrics brought me out of the darkness many times. His death saddened me because in many of his songs I felt his pain. Its sad to see such a influence take his life. Not gonna lie but in the past I have been there. I however don't want to cause that kind of pain on my husband or children. So I stay and wallow in my sadness, my pain, my loneliness. But for others it just doesn't happen. Others see that maybe their families are better off without them. I once had those thoughts too.

I cope because I have to. I have a husband and four amazing kids that I don't want to leave behind. So I write. I write how I'm feeling. I write if I am sad or lonely. Hell... I write when I'm angry and pissed off at the world. The Dr said that was the greatest advice my mom could've gave me and I smiled and said "I know."


If you ever feel alone or sad just know that there are people who care. Talk about it. Write about it. Sing about it. Do what you gotta do. Life is precious. Live it the best you can.

Lyrics from the song Until Its Gone by Linkin Park always touched me....

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Raising a teenage girl..

I have a fourteen year old beautiful daughter who loves to test me everyday. She is my eldest of four, very opinionated and sarcastic. She gets those traits equally from her dad and I. Sometimes its fun and sometimes I shake my head at her. I love my daughter. I love being her mom. She and I have a special bond. The kind of bond where we both share the same quirky sense of humor. Its so bad that sometimes I make her hit the floor with laughter and my husband stands there looking at us like we're crazy. Maybe we are...

My daughter started freshman year in a new high school in a new school district. Last summer we gave her that choice. She could go to the high school in our city or somewhere else. She chose to go somewhere else. We figured it would be up to her because we are trying to teach her to make her own choices. I admit that as many times as I told her she was going to be okay I was just as nervous for her. But we started her in marching band camp at the end of summer in hopes it would prepare her and she did well. Which was the best thing for her. First day of marching band wasn't easy for her. We expected it coming from a middle school with no music program. She was overwhelmed and came home freaking out. She wanted to quit. So I told her to give it one more week and if she hated it she could. You can't quit marching band after one day I told her. One week later she stuck it out. Now she loves it.

I think it helped her come out of her shell. Cheyenne has always been a loner. She had a few friends that would come over. But she really wasn't one to hang out. Out of all the years she has only made a handful of friends. I think by choice. She was never a kid to surround herself with a huge group of people. A loner trait that she gets from her dad. So we have only had a handful of friends at our house at different times, days and throughout the year. The same group of friends who went to the mall with her for her birthday and she loved it. They are a good group of girls who call us mom and dad. Since she switched schools we don't get to see them. But they know they're welcomed at our house any time. 

One thing I stand by and will always stand by is always be there for your kids even when they don't want you to.. I have always been there for her. Talked to her about everything and have been her shoulder since she was a baby.  When she was little we would read books together. We even read Little Women together which is one of my favorite books. It was the quality time I enjoyed and it became a routine until she hit thirteen. What teenager do you know wants to read a book with their mom? So that tradition has since gone. She has moved on. She is hitting the typical teenage stage. The "leave me alone" stage that I am still trying to get used to. Granted she has her moments where she will tell me about her day. Stories about her friends and how band practice went. She even chases me around the house with her Korean pop music yelling "mom listen to this song!". I literally have to run from her to save my sanity... Haha. It reminds me of her Jonas Brothers and One Direction stages. Except they're Korean boys. 

Lately though she has had her moments of not wanting to talk to me. My friends say "its normal. Just let her go. Let her do her own thing.." Thing is I was raised by a mom who refused to let us go into our own demise. I was diagnosed with depression in my teenage years. My mom saw me hit rock bottom and made it a mission to show that she was there whenever I wanted to talk. Most of the time I didn't and would try to hide in my room. But she wouldn't have any of that. She would make me sit and she would sit there and stare at me until I finally told her what was wrong. Quite honestly my mom saved me. Without her I probably wouldn't be here typing this right now. I would sit in my room and wallow in my depression. Actually thought that I should just end it because I didn't want to deal with my mental illness anymore. My mom sensed it and we would sit on the porch and talk. I would tell her everything. It wasn't easy but knowing I had her there even on my worst days really showed me that it was okay to talk about it. Even after I got married and had kids my mom would show up, I would make coffee and we would sit in the backyard and just talk. I miss those days so much. Never take time with your mom for granted because one day you will sit and think "I wish my mom was here.."

I'll admit that as a parent of a teenage girl sometimes I get frustrated with Cheyenne when she gets attitude. Tells me to go away. Yells at me and you know the typical "shut up". I usually leave her alone and she always manages to come to me and all that teenage angst is squashed. She will sit and tell me about friends and what she did that day. Or  my favorite is on the weekends.. She and I sit and watch movies together. Last weekend it was The Ring and The Blair Witch Project. The Ring she said was great but she gave The Blair Witch Project two thumbs down. She called it lame. haha. I actually love found footage movies. She and I watched an Australian one a couple of months ago called The Tunnel and it was great. Movies are our thing now. 

I understand where Cheyenne is coming from though. No teenager wants to tell their mom everything. But the thing is because of my upbringing I can't just walk away from her. I can't just pretend I don't care. Its not in my DNA. I give her space. She hides in her room. But I do check on her. See whats shes up to and show her that I'm there regardless. Yeah a teenager needs space. But the ones who are left alone are the ones who end up thinking their parents don't care. I had friends who felt that way about their parents and I vowed that I would never let my child or children feel that way. My mom was there for a lot of my friends too. She took in kids who had no where to go. She was amazing. I will admit I'm not trying to follow in her shoes because I could never live up to my mom. She raised six kids, worked, took care of the house and still managed to take the time to be there when we needed her. Even after we all moved out. She passed away six years ago and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of how lucky my siblings and I were to call her mom. 

Raising a teenager. Especially a girl has not been easy. She is still finding herself. She is figuring life out on her own and I respect that wholeheartedly. She knows her boundaries and hasn't stepped over the line yet *knock on wood*. I'm not naive to know that there is that chance. However she is a smart girl and knows its not the way to go. The only thing my husband and I can do is encourage her to stay on the right path. Shes a good kid though and through the years we were told how respectful, well mannered and a huge sweetheart she is. I want Cheyenne to know that she is loved. That even when shes grown she can call me anytime and know that mom is there no matter what. Even if it annoys her.

I would say one of the hardest jobs in the world is raising a teenager. Its challenging for sure but you can't give up on them. You can't let them hide. You have to be there. Even if you have to be their shadow. Show them that they're not alone. Don't give them too much free reign because some kids (from personal experience with friends) who get to do whatever they want feel that their parents could careless about what they do as long as they're occupied. Its sad. I had many friends who looked up to my mom because they felt their parents didn't care. My mom was there for them. Our house was full of teens because to them we were their family. Yes let them live their life. Let them hang out with friends. Go to the movies. Walk around the mall. But keep tabs on them. That's what my mom did and it showed us that she cared about what we were doing. Even though I wasn't crazy enough to act out because growing up in a military family... We knew better. haha... 

Teenagers are vulnerable. Hormones are all over the place. They need someone to be there. Even if they tell you to go away. Don't. In reality they do want you there they just don't know how to tell you. 

There is a quote by Mother Theresa about loneliness that I agree with. 

Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty. 

~Mother Teresa