See it from their perspective

When it comes to raising a kid on the spectrum. We can't really tell what they're thinking. How they're feeling. Its basically a guessing game. Unless your child is high functioning and is able to express their feelings in their own way. My son Landon is non verbal. He can say some words but he cannot express to me why hes angry. In many ways he shows that hes angry as a way of expressing the frustration he is feeling and in those moments I just do what I can to get through because that is the downside of autism.

You gotta see it from their perspective and remember that if they could express their feelings through speech I'm sure we would hear a earful.

You have moments of frustration and moments of wanting to run and hide. Yes its rough dealing with the meltdowns, the screaming, the hitting, headbutting and hair pulling. Trust me it hurts like hell. But think about what they're going through. A lot of kids on the spectrum can't express that they're sad or angry so how do they show it? That's right.. Through meltdowns. There have been moments where Landon will meltdown at the drop of the hat and I'm bracing for hits, hair pulls and sometimes even headbutts. But I have learned to redirect his meltdowns with songs, tickles and even making dumb noises. Yes surprisingly it works. His laugh is so contagious I literally laugh with him. It never fails. But that doesn't mean it works with other children on the spectrum or in my case teenager on the spectrum.

I have had many discussions with parents whose kids are on the spectrum and I gotta say. I share their frustration. I know how they feel when it comes to the chaos that comes out of nowhere.But I also understand that my son Landon doesn't have the social skills to tell me that hes mad. He can't tell me whats setting him off. He can only express his anger through the only way he knows how and most of the time he takes it out on himself. I can't stand to watch my kid hit himself, punch himself and even bang his head. So I have resorted to figuring out ways to getting him out of his frustration. 

I think if you can find a song that calms them down, counting, singing, tickling and maybe even toys, noises or lights that they enjoy. If you can work on getting them out of their meltdowns.. It makes it so much easier to cope. Its something I learned over time. Even a hand held massager works on Landon. I have found that the vibration distracts him. Then again he is also cognitive impaired. He has a sensory delay so he enjoys the vibrations. 

As I have told other parents that it depends on the kid and what helps soothes them. Every kid on the spectrum is different. Some don't like to be touched. Some can't handle noise. I think if parents took the time to figure out what calms their kids down it would help. As I have learned its takes time to figure out the quirks of what makes them happy. Once you figure it out you definitely have to change it up.

I can say that raising Landon has been a big learning experience. I have learned more compassion and understanding. Raising him has made me a better person. I think it has shown me how cruel the world can actually be by people who don't understand and their ignorance shows. Its very disheartening but at the same time it helps me raise my other three kids to be the opposite. Not to judge. To show understanding and to never mistreat someone who is different that them. To be a great example to show the people that its okay that their brother is different but he is still a person. I am proud to say that my kids do just that everyday. 

An upside of autism is the smiles, the laughs, the unconditional love they show in their own special way. I wouldn't trade Landons smile or contagious laugh for another kid. Hes been Landon since the day he was born. Regardless of his autism. I don't think I could live without him and his quirks. I have learned so much from our special little man. 

If we all took the time to see the side of their world it would make it easier to understand why they lash out. How they feel. As a mom of a child on the spectrum I can honestly say that I wish I could put a voice into Landon. But that doesn't mean I want to change him. I just want him to be able to say I'm angry mom and this is why..

Never apologize to a parent with a special needs child or teen

Seriously... Just don't. There is never a good time to say "I am so sorry your son has autism and cognitive impairment. I cannot imagine what that must be like." Of course you can't. But understand.. As a mom who has known her son has been special needs since the womb there is nothing more I want to hear than I am sorry.

Don't be sorry. I don't need your sympathy. I don't need you to make it seem like because I am a parent of a "special needs child" that my life is over. Trust me when I say that it isn't. Do I wish the challenges and everyday chaos that ensues was easier? Hell yeah.

My son Landon is fourteen years old. He's strong, hyper active and very much a busy body. There are some days I run on empty. Coffee is my best friend a lot. But raising him I have learned so much. I have learned about compassion, activism and how to use my voice. Before I had kids I was a shy person. Never spoke up. Always kept to myself. Never really put myself out there. I liked being a loner. A quiet person. Then I got married and had kids and all that changed.

I advocate for all four of my kids. When my daughter was being bullied in middle school I called the school right away and spoke to the principal and the social worker because when my daughter gets to the point she doesn't want to go to school we have a problem. That problem was fixed. She got through it and now shes in high school and has so many friends that I can't keep track of names half the time.

I did the same for my twins and I do the same for Landon. Even though he goes to autism impaired school I have had my fair share of dealing with teachers and staff. He has had great teachers and some that would make me go off because they have no business being a special needs teacher. I have even had my fair share of moments with doctors too like Landons first pediatrician. This man is supposedly one of the best in the state of Michigan yet he kept telling us that Landon was just being lazy. That he needed to be put in a sitting position on the couch or the chair. That he didn't need a neurologist and got pissed off and dropped our kids as patients as soon as he found out that we got a neurologist anyway. Who by the way did their job, ran tests and even diagnosed Landon with motor apraxia. Guess what. No matter how much we tried to follow the "pediatricians" advice he didn't get better, It took a neuro and the MIPP program to get Landon to sit up, crawl and eventually walk.

It really bugs me when people apologize for your son or daughter because they're special needs. Yes we go through so much more but we also learn to cope and push through the challenges cause we have to. No one else is gonna make sure that they get a somewhat normal life like we do. Its either let them slip or fight for them and I don't know about other parents but I'm gonna fight for Landon every step of the way.

Sure its not peachy. There are days where I want to hide from everyone. But then what good does that do? It doesn't help him or his siblings if mama wants to run and hide. I suck it up and face it head on. You can't raise a special needs child or in my case teen with the mentality of running away. Cause whose gonna be their advocate? Who is gonna fight for them? Who is gonna be there when the public is not so nice and understanding? I will.

And with the public you have to bite your tongue a lot. I have never in my life disliked people in general until I became a parent of a special needs child. All those "friends" you had are gone. MIA. You take your son or daughter out to the store or into the community and you deal with the stares, the comments and the downright animosity because your kid is "different". I had a lady tell me at the park that our son had no business being there like he had aids or a contagious disease that will be spread to every kid there. It took everything in me not to yell at her in front of her kid. Instead I simply said to her "I feel sorry that your kids are being raised by a person like you" then I walked away. I don't know how other parents feel when it comes to raising their special needs kids. But I can say that it really opens your eyes to how the world REALLY is when a person finds out your kid is special needs.

We don't want to hear "I'm sorry", "Oh no that's terrible" or my all time cringe worthy phrase "you poor thing, its too bad that your son can't be normal" As if being "normal" is so great anyway. Cause let me tell you. Some "normal" people show the ugly inside when they look at your kid like hes carrying the plague and will kill off the human race. And I'm not exaggerating that. The death stares that my kid has received would make you think that the Terminator was real. Seriously...

Look at his face.. Hes a happy go lucky kid who is always smiling. Hes just so awesome <3

So please the next time you have a conversation with a special needs parent or a parent with a deaf child or blind child do not apologize. Instead show them some compassion. Some understanding and take the time to listen to their struggle. Just talk to them. Cause like you, we like to have someone to talk to. We like the interaction even if its about the weather, sports or maybe whats going on in the world.

Non verbal children and Halloween

I wish I could make this into a tag for little Landon. One Halloween a lady wouldn't give him candy until he said "trick or treat" we explained to her that he couldn't say it because hes non verbal. She didn't get it. So our kids Cheyenne, Gavin and Brennan felt so bad they all three gave him a piece of their candy to make up for what she did. I couldn't believe it. Sad that my kids show more compassion than that lady. Now we skip her house every Halloween.

Sometimes a kid can't say it because their shy. Sometimes a kid can't say it because they don't know how and sometimes a kid can't say it because he didn't understand. Compassion and understanding goes a long way.

If you come across a kid who can't say it remember that maybe they just can't. Give them some candy anyway. They dressed up and spent their evening dealing with crowds and all the chaos that over stimulates them. Just because they can't say trick or treat doesn't mean that don't deserve the fun of Halloween too. 

How do you cope?

Is what my doctor asked me today. Today I went to the doctors to find out why I for the past couple of weeks have been feeling like I'm on fire. Skin hot to the touch. Lava under my skin. So I mentioned having my thyroid checked since issues run in my moms family.

Then the doctor asked about my depression...

The issue of depression came up because while I was waiting I had to answer a questionaire about mental illness. I was diagnosed with depression years ago. Something I have lived with for years in silence. He asked if I were on meds at one point. I told him yes... First was Zoloft. It was prescribed to me after I had little Landon. That was 12 years ago. I took it for a few months but stopped because it made me want to kill myself. I would actually stand in my kitchen with my daughter and son and picture myself walking into oncoming cars. I would have other moments too where I thought about ending my life. I didn't like those thoughts at all and stopped taking them. I went to the doctor and told him how I felt and was then put on Effexor XR. Same results. Except the pills made me out of sorts and angry. Needless to say I didn't last on them either. Went back to the doctor and told him I didn't want to do meds anymore. I wanted to find other ways of coping.

So how did I cope? Writing in journals. My mom gave me that idea years ago. Writing my feelings always helped me get through my sadness, pain, anger, loneliness. A question in the questionaire asked "Do you feel lonely?" All the time. Depression is a mental illness where you can be surrounded by all the people you love but still feel like you're alone. I'm surrounded by my kids and my husband and some days I do feel absolutely alone. I feel like I have no one. When I know that they're there.

I have sat down many nights and wrote in a book, I feel alone, I have no one, I want to run away, I wish I could disappear from this earth because who would care anyway... In the light of Chester Benningtons death I know his pain. I know his sadness. I know the feeling of wanting to end it. I do. I have been a fan of Linkin Park since Hybrid Theory came out. I was a teenager then and dealing with deep sadness. Linkin Parks music and lyrics brought me out of the darkness many times. His death saddened me because in many of his songs I felt his pain. Its sad to see such a influence take his life. Not gonna lie but in the past I have been there. I however don't want to cause that kind of pain on my husband or children. So I stay and wallow in my sadness, my pain, my loneliness. But for others it just doesn't happen. Others see that maybe their families are better off without them. I once had those thoughts too.

I cope because I have to. I have a husband and four amazing kids that I don't want to leave behind. So I write. I write how I'm feeling. I write if I am sad or lonely. Hell... I write when I'm angry and pissed off at the world. The Dr said that was the greatest advice my mom could've gave me and I smiled and said "I know."


If you ever feel alone or sad just know that there are people who care. Talk about it. Write about it. Sing about it. Do what you gotta do. Life is precious. Live it the best you can.

Lyrics from the song Until Its Gone by Linkin Park always touched me....

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Can't Stop The Feeling

Depression is loneliness. A struggle.

The quote:

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” 
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow



These past couple of days I haven't been myself. Angry. Sad. Lonely. Resentful to the world. All I want to do is lock myself away and sit in silence. But I have a family to think about. Clearly that can't be done.

I was diagnosed with depression many years ago. I attempted to take my life many times. My husband took me to the doctor and they gave me those "happy" pills that are supposed to help. They didn't. I couldn't tell you how many times while on those meds that I thought about walking out into traffic and hoping someone would hit me. I contemplated it so much that I stopped taking them. Why take a med that makes you want to die? So they changed it from Zoloft to Effexor XR. That one didn't work either. So I told the doctor I didn't want meds. I would try to go back to writing like I did when I was a teenager. I did. For a little while at least.

That was back in 2006-2007. Now I just deal with it in my own way. Sometimes I lose myself in genealogy to occupy my mind. To get myself out of the rut I'm in. Sometimes I try to lose myself in a book. It helps but the depression doesn't go away. I have tried to put up a "happy" front. Tried to make the best of everything and tell myself that "I'm good" but in reality I'm not. I'm not. I'm trying my best to stay on this earth. Anyone who has ever had that feeling are the only ones who truly understand. My kids are keeping me here. They are the reason I wake up and face a new day.

I wish I never had depression. I wish I never had this pain. This unlucky mental illness that has plagued me for so long. That causes me to feel alone in my pain. I absolutely loathe it. I have family that don't know my struggle nor sometimes does it seem they care. This is why I confide in no one. Not since the one person I used to confide everything to died on June 11 2010. The day a part of me went with her. I know that is where my anger has been stemming from lately.

Mothers Day is coming up. On facebook I see friends celebrating with their moms. Enjoying the day with smiles and the "I'm so grateful shes still here". I try to be happy for them. Like their photos but in reality I feel sad and envious because I wish I could say the same. I miss the days of asking my mom what she would like and hear "I don't know" and how it used to annoy me. Now I wish I could hear that I don't know. I wish I could get that hug and photo that so many people get. I wish I could sit in my backyard with coffee in my hand and my mom sitting next to me telling stories of her childhood in Tennessee and hearing about her grandparents that I never met. I can't even bring myself to sit back there with a coffee and it has been almost seven years.

This is also my birthday month. May 18th I'll be 36 years old. Just another day on this earth is how I see it. But I try to put on my best mood for my children. I spend the day with them and think about how my mom used to come over and celebrate it with me. Now its just my kids, my husband and me. Landon keeps asking me what I want for my birthday and I don't know. I don't even want to celebrate it. I just want to hide in my room and nap that day away.

Depression sucks. It drains you. It makes you feel like you're insignificant in others lives. I have never felt so alone in this world until my mom died. Now its like its just me and then there's the world. That's why I call my kids my blessings. They pull me out of my darkness when no one else will. Without them I wouldn't be here.

When everythings meant to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.

This is me. A mom of four. A mom of a special needs child. Emotionally and physically drained. Some days I feel like years have been added to my life. No joke. I seriously feel as if I am going to fall apart. I cannot stress enough how much it takes a toll on ones mind alone.

People... Since I became a mom of a special needs child it has turned me into a anti people person. I literally can't stand the stares. The comments. The advice they feel you need to hear. This morning was a bad morning and my sons bus driver felt the need to give her own advice. While I'm standing there hyperventilating and crying because Landon decided to fight me to the bus. I was already breaking down. I didn't need to be told how to handle my son. She hasn't been the only one. I deal with this every time we go somewhere. Someones always gotta say something. They know better than you. Its so frustrating. I have thought many times to just pack my family up and run to an isolated place. You know its sad when a person gets to that point.


Yes Landon is a handful. We have good days. We have bad days. There is no in between. Lets be real here. I have cried more in the past year than I ever have. Teenage hormones have changed him. Hes become more outgoing and has acted out more than in the past years. There are days where I do walk into my room and I just cry. Something my mom always told us six kids to do. When you're overwhelmed and feel like you need to scream. Do it. You need to cry out of frustration. Do it. Don't hold it in.

Its a job in itself raising a special needs kid. The hours and days of therapies. The government coming into your house. Dealing with CPS. Having to explain every cut, bruise and mark in notes so CPS doesn't show up at your door again. When you have a son who doesn't feel pain and goes down the stairs on his knees... Writing that note was a doozy. I think I have written so many I could've written a book. Its sad that I have to do that. But I hate dealing with CPS. We had a worker a few years ago. She was a real winner. Actually asked my husband about my mental state because I was still grieving the LOSS of my sister months before. Yeah... Nice right? She really enjoyed seeing me upset. You could see it in her eyes. I don't even remember what her name was but when she tried to throw Native American documentation at me and told me I should do it for benefits I looked at her like she lost her damn marbles. Like I'm going to claim to be from a tribe in Michigan just to claim benefits? HA! (It was her way of making it right.) What a joke.

Dealing with teachers these past couple of years.. I'm telling you. If I could homeschool my kid I would. Just to avoid the constant phone calls, notes and meetings. They want you to medicate your kid until he becomes a zombie you know... aka manageable. If you try new medications and they don't work well try again... Try and try again. If their hyperactive they have to be on meds.  Its a no win situation. The same with cold meds and allergy meds. Landon has allergies all year round like me. He got my curse. There are only 1-2 over the counter meds I can give him for it that don't counteract his four medications he is on. One pharmacist actually told me that certain over the counter meds can cause my kid to go into cardiac arrest because of the strong medications hes on. Try to explain that to the teacher and nothing but argument. Its like they don't want to listen to you.

All of that alone makes me feel worn down. I literally cannot count how many times I have hung up with teachers and cried because of frustration. Somedays I just want to walk into a hospital and say take me. lol. Seriously though I have stayed up many nights in the past couple of weeks with Landon who was too riled up to go to bed and think about how nice sleep would be. How nice it is for everyone who is sleeping right now. Then when that finally does happen its 3 or 4 in the morning. I literally can't sit down during the day because if I do I'm out. lol. Not good folks. Not good at all.

Landon is a awesome kid. He really is. I wouldn't trade him nor his siblings for anything. I love them all to the moon and back. We have given up so much. My husband gave up his favorite job (US Coast Guard). I have fought to get him the services he needs and deserves. Countless disagreements with doctors who said he couldn't do this and that. Well.. They were totally wrong. He did all of what they said and more. He will walk through the house with a smile on his face. Loves to try to sing the words to songs of one of his favorite bands Of Monsters and Men. King and Lionheart is still his favorite song.



Laugh at accents like they're the greatest thing ever. He lives his life like there isn't a care in the world. I wish I could live like that. Finally have that library I always wanted. Go on a honeymoon we never had. Even just go on a hike in the woods and lose myself. But all of that is just thoughts. Wishes. Something that is never going to happen. But in the end seeing his face, Cheyennes face, Gavin and Brennans faces every day makes it worth it.

People ask me "how do you do it? How do you raise a special needs child and not drink or lose it?" I simply say " I'm his mom. I accepted this when he was 18 months old. I have been by his side since day one and honestly...
I do it because no one else would."