Special Needs Parents & PTSD

There have been studies of parents of special needs children, teenagers and adults who suffer from PTSD. I have to agree with the studies as I have been suffering from it since Landon was a toddler and realized how much harm a head hurt can do. Back then it was head butting, slapping and the occasional hair pull. When they’re little it hurts but not as bad as it does when they get to be older. My 16 year old is special needs. My PTSD all started after he turned 10 and he resorted to more than just head butted and slapping. I would flinch even then not knowing what he was gonna do. But now... He isn’t a tiny kid no more in fact he’s 5’8” tall and 130lbs of solid muscle. Now... He gets frustrated and angry it’s all out war. I can tell you how many bones in my body ache from the wrath. How I naturally have reflexes now even when he doesn’t even hit me. It’s a unknown situation. I will flinch with worry about what’s about to happen. I react with flinching even when he’s just walking by. It’s my reality. So when I see stories from other parents who write stories about the meltdowns they deal with I relate on so many levels. Cause I feel their pain. Their exhaustion. The constant need to do what it takes to redirect the frustrations our special needs kids feel. I relate. 

Don’t get me wrong Landon is a awesome kid. He smiles a lot. Laughs. Loves to give hugs and kisses. Loves to pester you for the little things and enjoys lining up trucks, buses and cars with no care in the world. I love that dude of autism. I try to posit that side of autism because it’s rewarding. It taught me patience. It taught me compassion. It taught me to love his quirks. 

I’m not gonna lie some days I want to run for my life. Cause it’s not all rainbows and sunshine. My kid towers over me now. He has learned to punch and kick. He also slaps, pulls hair and headbutts. If I posted on Facebook right now that all I feel is aches and pains people would say “ it’s because you’re getting old” when they have no clue what I or any other parent if a special needs kid, teenager or adult go through on a daily basis. If I see someone say “we’ll have his meds changed” like it’s that magical I will tell them that meds don’t fix everything. In fact sometimes the meds make it worse. When my son was prescribed Abilify. I was at home with him and his siblings watching a movie when he pounced on me like he was possessed and started hitting me like I was the enemy of whatever set him off. I went back to the doctor and told him. It was one of the scariest moments of my life. His siblings had to pull him off of me. So needless to say I ended up going back to that doctor and telling him I wasn’t giving my son that med anymore. It was changed and he never did it again. But that moment scarred me for life. Ever since then I do reflexes like newborns do when they get scared. It truly sucks to feel this way. But it’s reality that we deal with every single day. So the next time you see a mom getting slapped, punched and even pulled down to the ground by their kid. Don’t judge. Don’t get video of it. Don’t laugh or tell that mom whose already feeling defeated she needs to whoop her kids ass. Do you know how many times I dealt with that? Like it helps when I’m already hyperventilating and feeling like a failure because I couldn’t redirect my kid to calm down. Just don’t do that. Show some support. Maybe try to help. Cause I wouldn’t wish that hurt even on my worst enemy. Hell I wish I had a machine that told me “ brace yourself cause here comes the storm.”

PTSD is no joke