"Mom what was the 90s like?"

My daughter Cheyenne is seventeen years old, a senior in high school who is supposed to be graduating this year but sadly with this Covid-19 virus it may not happen. We had a conversation about my life as a teenager back in the 90s compared to her here in the 2000s. I told her life back then was definitely easier. Definitely not as chaotic. This was long before the internet hit homes and pagers were a thing. Granted I never had one. My family wasn't rich. My parents had six kids in a big old farmhouse and whatever clothes we had came from thrift stores and we didn't care. I remember helping my mom lug bags of clothes to the laundromat. Going to neighborhood yard sales with my mom and aunt Nancy. I remember going with my mom to the fruit and meat markets in Detroit when I was a kid. Getting cheeseburgers under $1 and fast food in our house was a luxury because as kids we got it maybe once or twice a month. It wasn't often.

Both of my parents worked and missed out on school functions. My parents never went to any of my band concerts. But I know they were trying their best to provide. We didn't have all the shiny fancy gadgets they have now either. My time when I was her age was spent with friends walking around the mall, major magics, movie theater and even the skating rink. Cheyenne and I laughed about our differences because my kid doesn't want to even hang out with her friends. The thing is a lot of my time spent with my friends was therapeutic for me. It got me away. I told Cheyenne that my life than was different from hers mostly because she has a parent at home. She doesn't know what its like to come home in the afternoons to a empty house. She has the luxury of having both parents at home as my dad spent a lot of time out of the country or state. He was national guard. My parents did what they had to do to make sure we had food, clothing and a roof above our heads.

I told her back in the day that I was a tomboy. I wore flannels with tank tops, baggy jeans and tennis shoes. I didn't wear makeup. I didn't keep up with the latest fashion and I was a gamer. Cheyenne laughed because I still have a flannel I wore back then in a closet. In fact she has some of my clothes she wears now. If the show "What Not To Wear" was still on they would look at my closed and say YIKES.

Although I will say that even now I don't know anything about designers. Unlike my kid. Her favorite store is Rue 21. Where they sell "half shirts" for less than $20. Yes I call halter tops "half shirts" and it irks my kid. Parents are meant to irk their kids. I told her back in the 90s that tv and music was a whole different kind of ball game, Rap music was actually good back then. Music in general was far superior than as to music now. We talked about how now kids definitely have more technology. I didn't get a cell phone until 2004 and it was a flip phone. I hated texting on it because you had to tap the same number multiple times to get a letter. Honestly though even with a touchscreen I still hate texting. I told her that the way I communicated with my friends back in the day was with notes we would pass onto each other in school. I used to love that form of communication so much that even 20 years later I still have the notes from my friends. I kept them. I showed them to her. She and her friends have no idea how much fun it was to pass them on because now all they do is text. I told her that even though there are differences from when I was 17 and she is 17, that she should cherish these years as best as she can because once you hit adulthood the game changes. Life gets harder. But I told her I have faith shes gonna be fine. But it was nice talking to her about my teenage years. Even stories I haven't shared here.

If you have a teenager willing to talk to you sit down and take the time to talk. Give them that moment cause I love that my daughter loves to talk to me about everything. Not many parents are lucky.

Special Needs Parents & PTSD

There have been studies of parents of special needs children, teenagers and adults who suffer from PTSD. I have to agree with the studies as I have been suffering from it since Landon was a toddler and realized how much harm a head hurt can do. Back then it was head butting, slapping and the occasional hair pull. When they’re little it hurts but not as bad as it does when they get to be older. My 16 year old is special needs. My PTSD all started after he turned 10 and he resorted to more than just head butted and slapping. I would flinch even then not knowing what he was gonna do. But now... He isn’t a tiny kid no more in fact he’s 5’8” tall and 130lbs of solid muscle. Now... He gets frustrated and angry it’s all out war. I can tell you how many bones in my body ache from the wrath. How I naturally have reflexes now even when he doesn’t even hit me. It’s a unknown situation. I will flinch with worry about what’s about to happen. I react with flinching even when he’s just walking by. It’s my reality. So when I see stories from other parents who write stories about the meltdowns they deal with I relate on so many levels. Cause I feel their pain. Their exhaustion. The constant need to do what it takes to redirect the frustrations our special needs kids feel. I relate. 

Don’t get me wrong Landon is a awesome kid. He smiles a lot. Laughs. Loves to give hugs and kisses. Loves to pester you for the little things and enjoys lining up trucks, buses and cars with no care in the world. I love that dude of autism. I try to posit that side of autism because it’s rewarding. It taught me patience. It taught me compassion. It taught me to love his quirks. 

I’m not gonna lie some days I want to run for my life. Cause it’s not all rainbows and sunshine. My kid towers over me now. He has learned to punch and kick. He also slaps, pulls hair and headbutts. If I posted on Facebook right now that all I feel is aches and pains people would say “ it’s because you’re getting old” when they have no clue what I or any other parent if a special needs kid, teenager or adult go through on a daily basis. If I see someone say “we’ll have his meds changed” like it’s that magical I will tell them that meds don’t fix everything. In fact sometimes the meds make it worse. When my son was prescribed Abilify. I was at home with him and his siblings watching a movie when he pounced on me like he was possessed and started hitting me like I was the enemy of whatever set him off. I went back to the doctor and told him. It was one of the scariest moments of my life. His siblings had to pull him off of me. So needless to say I ended up going back to that doctor and telling him I wasn’t giving my son that med anymore. It was changed and he never did it again. But that moment scarred me for life. Ever since then I do reflexes like newborns do when they get scared. It truly sucks to feel this way. But it’s reality that we deal with every single day. So the next time you see a mom getting slapped, punched and even pulled down to the ground by their kid. Don’t judge. Don’t get video of it. Don’t laugh or tell that mom whose already feeling defeated she needs to whoop her kids ass. Do you know how many times I dealt with that? Like it helps when I’m already hyperventilating and feeling like a failure because I couldn’t redirect my kid to calm down. Just don’t do that. Show some support. Maybe try to help. Cause I wouldn’t wish that hurt even on my worst enemy. Hell I wish I had a machine that told me “ brace yourself cause here comes the storm.”

PTSD is no joke

When life gives you lemons

Oct 7 2019 my husband loses his job. Our only form of income. It’s now December and we’re struggling. No money to pay our landlord. So who knows if we will have a home in the new year. We have four teenagers who know that Christmas isn’t gonna be great. In fact I don’t even want to celebrate it. We usually bake cookies. Go buy a real tree. Paint ornaments around this time. All of that fun has been replaced with depression, anxiety and stress. Thanks to the UAW strike back in September and October, our family was screwed over. . Those who protested didn’t care about the people they were affecting when they were looking for more money. It was all about them. Forget about all the families that were affected including mine.

My husband has been putting in for jobs since Oct with no call backs. He has been waiting for unemployment to kick in. He filed in Oct and it’s now Dec.  It’s like 2019 is giving us a big ole fuck you. We have been to Veterans Affairs who have graciously helped him make a better resume and is determined to help him find a job. Just wish it would be better.

People say they’re praying for us and to keep faith. What is faith gonna do for a family of six? What is faith gonna do when you have rent due, bills and four teenagers, one who is special needs. Faith is for those who have something to believe in. At this point in my life I believe in nothing. The only good thing that has happened for us is we get diapers for our 15 year old now. We don’t have to pay for them anymore. That’s the only positive. Our daughter graduates in 2020 and we still haven’t been able to pay for her cap and gown. Might not be able to with the way it’s going right now. It’s sad how a man spends almost 17 years working at one place faithfully (was given other job offers years ago) only to lose it at the drop of the hat with no problem. He should’ve taken those jobs. Sure our family would’ve had to uproot out of the god forsaken state of Michigan but at least he would have a job. We wouldn’t be worrying about how we’re gonna tell our landlord today that we don’t have the $850 we owe him. Nor do we know when he can give it to him. We have never missed a rent payment until now and it’s so damn frustrating. So faith can go out the door and take a walk into the next century.

Loss of a Friend

September 1st 2019 a very dear person passed away. It was his birthday. He and I were close. For almost 13 years he was my friend. He and I were so close he knew things about me that not many people know. Not even my own family. He knew the darkness that lives inside me. It has since been slowly eating my soul again. I tried to hide it. Post happy things on Facebook. Pretend I’m okay when I’m not. I’m still sad.

I feel like he was my only real friend. Now he’s gone. Some days I find myself going to message him or leave a comment on his wall. But then I realize that the person who once would respond. Won’t anymore. It’s crazy that a man who lived on the other side of the world impacted me so much. But he knew me. The real me. The sad part of me. The dark part of me. The part of me that no one else knows. He knew the many things that my own siblings would know nothing of me. Not that they would care. They are so into their own lives I feel like if I told them how I really felt they would brush it off. That is why I loved Kaj. He would listen. He wouldn’t push me away. He would make everything ok. I confided in him when I felt I needed to and it’s because I could trust him. Now I’m on my own.

R.I.P Kaj Henry Osterberg

Thank you for being there for me when no one else was. You’re loved and missed ❤️

You cannot stop loving your friend because he's dead, especially if he was better than anyone alive, you know      

Jerome Salinger

Autism - Exposing your kid to the world

I am writing this as a blog about my own thoughts and experiences as a mom with a kid/teen on the spectrum. I am in no way shape or form shaming parents. I feel like we all have our own ways of raising our kids. But I am gonna express a message I received last night about my son.

How can you take him on vacation or trips? Aren't you afraid what people will say or do? Don't you want to shelter him from the public? There is no way I could do that. My family doesn't do anything like that because we don't want people to stare or question. We don't want to face the public. I don't know how your family does it. 

I have to say that I am not gonna judge because not every family has the same relation to the broad spectrum. As her son is more higher functioning than Landon but still tends to have meltdowns. He can talk. Whereas my son doesn't. He makes noises, screeches and yells but its mostly mumbles. 

How can we take him on vacation or trips? Why not? Landon is a part of our family. Hes our kid. I didn't carry him for nine months and fed, bathed and change (still do) him everyday just to exclude him from the same experiences his non special needs siblings have. He has every right to experience vacations to Louisiana and the Great Lakes as we do. Road trips are the best! He got to experience the ocean for the first time last summer and guess what? HE LOVED IT!. Not so much the taste of it but he loved the waves crashing into him. He loved the different foods he got to try. He had a meltdown in the French Quarter but we redirected that quickly and he was fine. He did great on that trip and we were so proud of him.

He did awesome in Gettysburg, Washington D.C, Baltimore, Fort McHenry and Valley Forge too. Granted he did try to go for a swim in the Potomac River. Just last weekend he got to experience Lake Michigan for the first time and screamed because it was so cold. We did our first ever camping trip and took the kids up to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan where he got to see waterfalls, more lakes and the Soo Locks. He did great and we never once had a meltdown or issue. Why? Cause hes used to being out in public. We have been taking him out and experiencing the public since he was diagnosed at 2. This past Saturday we all went to downtown Detroit and guess what? He did great. No meltdowns. All smiles. Even said HI! to multiple people passing by and nobody stared at him or judged him. 

We have never sheltered him no matter how ugly the public can be. Trust me when I say we dealt with our fair share of UGLY from the public. Stares. Comments. No matter what you do its gonna happen. The best thing you can do about it is to tell yourself that "that's the reflection of who they are as a person" and not your son or daughter. I have learned that when people stare I stare back and I mean I STARE right back at them. To the point that they feel uncomfortable. I find it amusing actually. But you gotta do it sometimes. As a parent we have to protect our kids. But we also have to get them used to the world. The world can be a scary place. But it also can be a great place. 

Sheltering them in my opinion only prevents them from experiencing the good things that we all get to enjoy. Special needs or not. A kid should experience life. Sheltering is not living. Its surviving.

I'm a mom of four

I was in the store with my kids when a lady standing next to me out of the blue says "I don't know how people do it with more than one kid, I would go insane". I couldn't help but giggle.  We watched another lady walk through the aisle with six kids. I couldn't help but look at her and said I could cause you see I am a mom of four kids. Two teenagers and two preteens and there are days I don't know how I do it either. But I see the reward in it too. Don't get me wrong there are days where I want to pitch a tent in my house with a sign that says "MOM IS OUT OF ORDER" Hell....

I don't know how my mom did it with six! But I gotta honestly say I always wanted a big family. Especially after having my daughter Cheyenne. It was just normal to me to want her to have siblings because I have five of my own. Which is why I looked at the woman and said "I do because I'm a mom of four. Four awesome kids who sure have their moments of driving me crazy, they bicker, they yell, ya know the good ole sibling rivalry. They have their precious moments as well. My four stick up for each other, talk about the latest craze, watch movies and anime together. They are there in ways siblings should be. Which is what I had growing up. Sure my siblings and I bickered but even as adults we have each others back.

I have people approach me to tell me I have my hands full. I have people stare at me because they think I'm too young to have four kids. I had a bus driver question if I was my fourteen year old sons mother because she said I looked too young to be his mom. Its amazing what people think, stare or even just outright say. Its a matter of if you care or not. Which is why I found it funny why the woman felt the need to even say it when she saw a woman with a group of kids walking through the aisle. I have been in that womans shoes. So I sympathized for her.

But as a mom of four you will never hear me say "I don't know how people have only one kid" because maybe one kid is good for them. That's their prerogative. Kids are a handful. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. But I will say that I don't regret having a big family. I love my four to the moon and back. They keep me going. They make me laugh all the time. They chase me through the house to show me vines on youtube, the latest Kpop video or even a song they know that will annoy me to no end. Sure they drive me crazy but I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Rather a big family works for you or not. Its always best to remember that parents with more than one kid are living their lives with how they see fit just like you are.

All I gotta say is I can't imagine life without these four faces

Dream of a Russian invasion? It felt real

If you’re in my spiritual and dreams group on Facebook you have read about my extremely detailed dreams. I dream  every time I fall asleep. Some dreams are of my mom who died 8 years ago, some are sinister and involves  a lot of gore and violence. I always hate those dreams. They feel too real.  I also have had dreams of random events, hiding from strangers, traveling to many different places all in one dream or my least favorite running from war.

I had a dream that our tiny city here in Michigan was being attacked by extremists with tanks and I’m trying to run with my four kids. Where my husband is in this dream I never find out. But I tried to save my kids running from gunfire that never hits us and tanks that get closer and closer. As we are running from a tank that is right behind us my legs go in slow mo. I get to the point where I can’t run anymore and as I turn to look behind me at the tank I wake myself up not wanting to know what was gonna happen. I hope I never have that dream ever again.

But this dream was... It was a dream that felt so real I had to tell my husband about it. I couldn’t believe how real it felt. So I’m sharing this on here.

I am walking down the street with another girl and we turn to check ourselves out in a shops window. I am wearing a blue dress (which I find odd because I never wear dresses. Ever)  so I look at the other girl and out of nowhere this American soldier is grabbing us and telling us to run. So I go to run past him and he yells “ no not that way, the Russians are throwing toxic gas at the people. So he pulls me back and says run behind me and fast.” I look and see Russian soldiers running towards us. I then turn, I look at this American soldiers face and I just ran. I ran and ran until I couldn’t anymore. I’m not sure if something hits me but then the dream switches to me walking out of a building and a Russian man walks over to me and speaks to me in Russian. He seems to know me, as he smiles at puts his arms around me. I seem to understand him but in my head I hear the Russian as if it’s a foreign language. I know I understand him because I reply back in Russian and the freaky part about the whole moment  is I don’t speak Russian. So the man lets me go as a Russian soldier walks up. He looks down at me, smiles and walks away with the soldier and as they walk up a staircase into another building I hear a lady with a group of teenage girls yell my name “Amelia! Get down her we gotta go.” As she’s looking up at my with a concerned look on her face. So I run down the stairs and get in line with a group of girls I don’t know but one I seem to be friends with because she puts her arm around me and says “ walk fast”. So here I am walking with two adult women and a group of girls ina hurry when the women stop us and say “ come on in here” and we all make our way into a corridor.

As we are walking through we are told to look for a red door. I’m looking around at many different red doors thinking “ pretty much every door is red” so I walk to many to try and open them and they don’t budge. I back up from one door only to watch another red door crack open. And a young woman stands looking at us. She then opens the door and says in English “ this way and quick” As we are led down a spiral stairway I couldn’t help but realize we were going into hiding. And as we hurried into her house, yes it was a house, we were told that we were safe there.

As I make my way into her living room I look to realize my son Landon and my brother norman are there. Only to be told my son is actually my little brother in this dream. Everyone is talking to the young woman who tells us she is a author and has written many books. Showing us her books and everyone is smiling and talking. It was then that we heard a noise above us. The atmosphere changed. The woman turns off the lights. Tells us all to be quiet and she goes through the door leading to the stairwell. We all stand in complete silence as we hear more knocking, banging, some gunfire and her yelling no in Russian and screams. I run into the kitchen to hide as I hear footsteps running down the stairs. At this point I didn’t want to know what was going to happen. I didn’t want to seee the girls die or what was gonna happen to my son or my brother. I didn’t want to know. So I woke myself ya. I woke up and looked around my room thanking god it was a dream. But you know what I hate about the dream? The legit fear I felt. I felt the danger and fear not only from myself but also from every person in that room.

How do I remember details in my dreams? I am not sure but every dream I have ever had I always remember. I have many I could share that felt real. Like the dream I had a few days after my mom died she had came to me in a dream and the hug she gave me felt so real that I could feel her cheek touching mine. I woke up crying that morning. Missing my mom more.

I know what you’re probably thinking. I must have watched a war movie last night and it caused my dream. No. Actually I watched a found footage movie of the Phoenix lights in 97 last night. It was about aliens. Very entertaining. But this dream came outta nowhere and I hope I don’t repeat it. I don’t want to know what happens.