No housing help for a disabled Vet

Unless you’re a veteran who can afford a house in the hundreds of thousands. Or you can get a free house if you’re a disabled combat veteran or served during a combat war. 

But if you’re a disabled veteran on SSDI with a wife with three boys, one special needs you can’t get any help. My husband is a disabled veteran, with hearing loss who had a stroke in 2020 working two jobs. His left hand and leg still has paralysis from the stroke and here in a few months we’re going to be without a home. Our 85 year old landlord is selling the house we’re living in because his family says it’s time for him to retire. Veterans United approved us for a loan for 85,000. The problem with that is they will not approve of anything in the state of Michigan for that price. We have been trying house after house only to be told those houses would not pass.  For 85,000 you’re not gonna find something immaculate. So I reach out to Homes for Heroes in hopes maybe they could help us. But they have low balled us because even though we have savings they can’t help us until Nov 2021 when my husband gets his first SSDI check. It has made us ask why bother to keep trying? We want to give up because nobody wants to help us. A family who is in desperate need for a place to live and no one cares. Our disabled son is cognitive impaired and autistic and is already going to be making hard changes with changing schools and we will no longer living the home he has known for 13 years. Not to mention a whole new support staff (community mental health coordinator, doctor, behavioral therapist and psychologist). We will be starting new. But the hardest part of it all is we don’t know where we’re goin to live if we can’t get the VA to help us. It’s sad that not all veterans or disabled vets can get the same help as wounded veterans. My husband started to lose his hearing in the Coast Guard working on boats and flying on helicopters. It’s so bad he has to wear hearing aids. Yet we can’t get anyone to help us. We don’t want a free house. We just want a house for our family. Come June/July we won’t have anything. 

Fatigue and Pain

For over a year now I've been dealing with fatigue so bad that even if I went to be at 10pm and get eight hours of sleep, I'd still wake up tired and feeling like I sleep on a brick floor. I am 39 years old. Still young. I shouldn't be feeling like I'm a old lady struggling to get out of bed everyday yet I do. I feel like this past year its gotten worse. I was working so hard on losing weight. Worked out 5 days a week doing walking videos and other cardio. Cause I am 5'4" wearing a size 14. I have been trying to do what I can to lose the tummy. But then came the pain and the fatigue and I stopped doing the workouts. I didn't have the energy to push myself to do them anymore. So I started walking 2-3 miles with my daughter in the evenings with my daughter around our little city. We would walk multiple times a week and it felt great. I felt I was doing good at least for a little while. I would get energy and back into a routine and then my feet would hurt. Then my wrist started bothering me so much I started to wear a brace. I would have stomach issues so bad that I didn't want to eat. Or I would eat but feel full too quickly. Even now I don't eat a lot because I don't want the stomach issues that comes along with it. 

I have been dealing with fatigue so bad that when I sit in my chair I doze off. I'll wake up with a little boost of energy and then its gone. There are days where I feel okay and then I have days like today where I feel like my whole body hates me. Today I feel like if I move around too much its gonna kick my ass. But I get up and I walk around. Even went outside to get some fresh air. Don't know what's going on with me and I might have to give in and see a doctor. Its sad isn't it? When we get older we don't want to go to the doctor. Growing up isn't what its cracked up to be. 

"Mom what was the 90s like?"

My daughter Cheyenne is seventeen years old, a senior in high school who is supposed to be graduating this year but sadly with this Covid-19 virus it may not happen. We had a conversation about my life as a teenager back in the 90s compared to her here in the 2000s. I told her life back then was definitely easier. Definitely not as chaotic. This was long before the internet hit homes and pagers were a thing. Granted I never had one. My family wasn't rich. My parents had six kids in a big old farmhouse and whatever clothes we had came from thrift stores and we didn't care. I remember helping my mom lug bags of clothes to the laundromat. Going to neighborhood yard sales with my mom and aunt Nancy. I remember going with my mom to the fruit and meat markets in Detroit when I was a kid. Getting cheeseburgers under $1 and fast food in our house was a luxury because as kids we got it maybe once or twice a month. It wasn't often.

Both of my parents worked and missed out on school functions. My parents never went to any of my band concerts. But I know they were trying their best to provide. We didn't have all the shiny fancy gadgets they have now either. My time when I was her age was spent with friends walking around the mall, major magics, movie theater and even the skating rink. Cheyenne and I laughed about our differences because my kid doesn't want to even hang out with her friends. The thing is a lot of my time spent with my friends was therapeutic for me. It got me away. I told Cheyenne that my life than was different from hers mostly because she has a parent at home. She doesn't know what its like to come home in the afternoons to a empty house. She has the luxury of having both parents at home as my dad spent a lot of time out of the country or state. He was national guard. My parents did what they had to do to make sure we had food, clothing and a roof above our heads.

I told her back in the day that I was a tomboy. I wore flannels with tank tops, baggy jeans and tennis shoes. I didn't wear makeup. I didn't keep up with the latest fashion and I was a gamer. Cheyenne laughed because I still have a flannel I wore back then in a closet. In fact she has some of my clothes she wears now. If the show "What Not To Wear" was still on they would look at my closed and say YIKES.

Although I will say that even now I don't know anything about designers. Unlike my kid. Her favorite store is Rue 21. Where they sell "half shirts" for less than $20. Yes I call halter tops "half shirts" and it irks my kid. Parents are meant to irk their kids. I told her back in the 90s that tv and music was a whole different kind of ball game, Rap music was actually good back then. Music in general was far superior than as to music now. We talked about how now kids definitely have more technology. I didn't get a cell phone until 2004 and it was a flip phone. I hated texting on it because you had to tap the same number multiple times to get a letter. Honestly though even with a touchscreen I still hate texting. I told her that the way I communicated with my friends back in the day was with notes we would pass onto each other in school. I used to love that form of communication so much that even 20 years later I still have the notes from my friends. I kept them. I showed them to her. She and her friends have no idea how much fun it was to pass them on because now all they do is text. I told her that even though there are differences from when I was 17 and she is 17, that she should cherish these years as best as she can because once you hit adulthood the game changes. Life gets harder. But I told her I have faith shes gonna be fine. But it was nice talking to her about my teenage years. Even stories I haven't shared here.

If you have a teenager willing to talk to you sit down and take the time to talk. Give them that moment cause I love that my daughter loves to talk to me about everything. Not many parents are lucky.

Special Needs Parents & PTSD

There have been studies of parents of special needs children, teenagers and adults who suffer from PTSD. I have to agree with the studies as I have been suffering from it since Landon was a toddler and realized how much harm a head hurt can do. Back then it was head butting, slapping and the occasional hair pull. When they’re little it hurts but not as bad as it does when they get to be older. My 16 year old is special needs. My PTSD all started after he turned 10 and he resorted to more than just head butted and slapping. I would flinch even then not knowing what he was gonna do. But now... He isn’t a tiny kid no more in fact he’s 5’8” tall and 130lbs of solid muscle. Now... He gets frustrated and angry it’s all out war. I can tell you how many bones in my body ache from the wrath. How I naturally have reflexes now even when he doesn’t even hit me. It’s a unknown situation. I will flinch with worry about what’s about to happen. I react with flinching even when he’s just walking by. It’s my reality. So when I see stories from other parents who write stories about the meltdowns they deal with I relate on so many levels. Cause I feel their pain. Their exhaustion. The constant need to do what it takes to redirect the frustrations our special needs kids feel. I relate. 

Don’t get me wrong Landon is a awesome kid. He smiles a lot. Laughs. Loves to give hugs and kisses. Loves to pester you for the little things and enjoys lining up trucks, buses and cars with no care in the world. I love that dude of autism. I try to posit that side of autism because it’s rewarding. It taught me patience. It taught me compassion. It taught me to love his quirks. 

I’m not gonna lie some days I want to run for my life. Cause it’s not all rainbows and sunshine. My kid towers over me now. He has learned to punch and kick. He also slaps, pulls hair and headbutts. If I posted on Facebook right now that all I feel is aches and pains people would say “ it’s because you’re getting old” when they have no clue what I or any other parent if a special needs kid, teenager or adult go through on a daily basis. If I see someone say “we’ll have his meds changed” like it’s that magical I will tell them that meds don’t fix everything. In fact sometimes the meds make it worse. When my son was prescribed Abilify. I was at home with him and his siblings watching a movie when he pounced on me like he was possessed and started hitting me like I was the enemy of whatever set him off. I went back to the doctor and told him. It was one of the scariest moments of my life. His siblings had to pull him off of me. So needless to say I ended up going back to that doctor and telling him I wasn’t giving my son that med anymore. It was changed and he never did it again. But that moment scarred me for life. Ever since then I do reflexes like newborns do when they get scared. It truly sucks to feel this way. But it’s reality that we deal with every single day. So the next time you see a mom getting slapped, punched and even pulled down to the ground by their kid. Don’t judge. Don’t get video of it. Don’t laugh or tell that mom whose already feeling defeated she needs to whoop her kids ass. Do you know how many times I dealt with that? Like it helps when I’m already hyperventilating and feeling like a failure because I couldn’t redirect my kid to calm down. Just don’t do that. Show some support. Maybe try to help. Cause I wouldn’t wish that hurt even on my worst enemy. Hell I wish I had a machine that told me “ brace yourself cause here comes the storm.”

PTSD is no joke

When life gives you lemons

Oct 7 2019 my husband loses his job. Our only form of income. It’s now December and we’re struggling. No money to pay our landlord. So who knows if we will have a home in the new year. We have four teenagers who know that Christmas isn’t gonna be great. In fact I don’t even want to celebrate it. We usually bake cookies. Go buy a real tree. Paint ornaments around this time. All of that fun has been replaced with depression, anxiety and stress. Thanks to the UAW strike back in September and October, our family was screwed over. . Those who protested didn’t care about the people they were affecting when they were looking for more money. It was all about them. Forget about all the families that were affected including mine.

My husband has been putting in for jobs since Oct with no call backs. He has been waiting for unemployment to kick in. He filed in Oct and it’s now Dec.  It’s like 2019 is giving us a big ole fuck you. We have been to Veterans Affairs who have graciously helped him make a better resume and is determined to help him find a job. Just wish it would be better.

People say they’re praying for us and to keep faith. What is faith gonna do for a family of six? What is faith gonna do when you have rent due, bills and four teenagers, one who is special needs. Faith is for those who have something to believe in. At this point in my life I believe in nothing. The only good thing that has happened for us is we get diapers for our 15 year old now. We don’t have to pay for them anymore. That’s the only positive. Our daughter graduates in 2020 and we still haven’t been able to pay for her cap and gown. Might not be able to with the way it’s going right now. It’s sad how a man spends almost 17 years working at one place faithfully (was given other job offers years ago) only to lose it at the drop of the hat with no problem. He should’ve taken those jobs. Sure our family would’ve had to uproot out of the god forsaken state of Michigan but at least he would have a job. We wouldn’t be worrying about how we’re gonna tell our landlord today that we don’t have the $850 we owe him. Nor do we know when he can give it to him. We have never missed a rent payment until now and it’s so damn frustrating. So faith can go out the door and take a walk into the next century.

Loss of a Friend

September 1st 2019 a very dear person passed away. It was his birthday. He and I were close. For almost 13 years he was my friend. He and I were so close he knew things about me that not many people know. Not even my own family. He knew the darkness that lives inside me. It has since been slowly eating my soul again. I tried to hide it. Post happy things on Facebook. Pretend I’m okay when I’m not. I’m still sad.

I feel like he was my only real friend. Now he’s gone. Some days I find myself going to message him or leave a comment on his wall. But then I realize that the person who once would respond. Won’t anymore. It’s crazy that a man who lived on the other side of the world impacted me so much. But he knew me. The real me. The sad part of me. The dark part of me. The part of me that no one else knows. He knew the many things that my own siblings would know nothing of me. Not that they would care. They are so into their own lives I feel like if I told them how I really felt they would brush it off. That is why I loved Kaj. He would listen. He wouldn’t push me away. He would make everything ok. I confided in him when I felt I needed to and it’s because I could trust him. Now I’m on my own.

R.I.P Kaj Henry Osterberg

Thank you for being there for me when no one else was. You’re loved and missed ❤️

You cannot stop loving your friend because he's dead, especially if he was better than anyone alive, you know      

Jerome Salinger

Autism - Exposing your kid to the world

I am writing this as a blog about my own thoughts and experiences as a mom with a kid/teen on the spectrum. I am in no way shape or form shaming parents. I feel like we all have our own ways of raising our kids. But I am gonna express a message I received last night about my son.

How can you take him on vacation or trips? Aren't you afraid what people will say or do? Don't you want to shelter him from the public? There is no way I could do that. My family doesn't do anything like that because we don't want people to stare or question. We don't want to face the public. I don't know how your family does it. 

I have to say that I am not gonna judge because not every family has the same relation to the broad spectrum. As her son is more higher functioning than Landon but still tends to have meltdowns. He can talk. Whereas my son doesn't. He makes noises, screeches and yells but its mostly mumbles. 

How can we take him on vacation or trips? Why not? Landon is a part of our family. Hes our kid. I didn't carry him for nine months and fed, bathed and change (still do) him everyday just to exclude him from the same experiences his non special needs siblings have. He has every right to experience vacations to Louisiana and the Great Lakes as we do. Road trips are the best! He got to experience the ocean for the first time last summer and guess what? HE LOVED IT!. Not so much the taste of it but he loved the waves crashing into him. He loved the different foods he got to try. He had a meltdown in the French Quarter but we redirected that quickly and he was fine. He did great on that trip and we were so proud of him.

He did awesome in Gettysburg, Washington D.C, Baltimore, Fort McHenry and Valley Forge too. Granted he did try to go for a swim in the Potomac River. Just last weekend he got to experience Lake Michigan for the first time and screamed because it was so cold. We did our first ever camping trip and took the kids up to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan where he got to see waterfalls, more lakes and the Soo Locks. He did great and we never once had a meltdown or issue. Why? Cause hes used to being out in public. We have been taking him out and experiencing the public since he was diagnosed at 2. This past Saturday we all went to downtown Detroit and guess what? He did great. No meltdowns. All smiles. Even said HI! to multiple people passing by and nobody stared at him or judged him. 

We have never sheltered him no matter how ugly the public can be. Trust me when I say we dealt with our fair share of UGLY from the public. Stares. Comments. No matter what you do its gonna happen. The best thing you can do about it is to tell yourself that "that's the reflection of who they are as a person" and not your son or daughter. I have learned that when people stare I stare back and I mean I STARE right back at them. To the point that they feel uncomfortable. I find it amusing actually. But you gotta do it sometimes. As a parent we have to protect our kids. But we also have to get them used to the world. The world can be a scary place. But it also can be a great place. 

Sheltering them in my opinion only prevents them from experiencing the good things that we all get to enjoy. Special needs or not. A kid should experience life. Sheltering is not living. Its surviving.

I'm a mom of four

I was in the store with my kids when a lady standing next to me out of the blue says "I don't know how people do it with more than one kid, I would go insane". I couldn't help but giggle.  We watched another lady walk through the aisle with six kids. I couldn't help but look at her and said I could cause you see I am a mom of four kids. Two teenagers and two preteens and there are days I don't know how I do it either. But I see the reward in it too. Don't get me wrong there are days where I want to pitch a tent in my house with a sign that says "MOM IS OUT OF ORDER" Hell....

I don't know how my mom did it with six! But I gotta honestly say I always wanted a big family. Especially after having my daughter Cheyenne. It was just normal to me to want her to have siblings because I have five of my own. Which is why I looked at the woman and said "I do because I'm a mom of four. Four awesome kids who sure have their moments of driving me crazy, they bicker, they yell, ya know the good ole sibling rivalry. They have their precious moments as well. My four stick up for each other, talk about the latest craze, watch movies and anime together. They are there in ways siblings should be. Which is what I had growing up. Sure my siblings and I bickered but even as adults we have each others back.

I have people approach me to tell me I have my hands full. I have people stare at me because they think I'm too young to have four kids. I had a bus driver question if I was my fourteen year old sons mother because she said I looked too young to be his mom. Its amazing what people think, stare or even just outright say. Its a matter of if you care or not. Which is why I found it funny why the woman felt the need to even say it when she saw a woman with a group of kids walking through the aisle. I have been in that womans shoes. So I sympathized for her.

But as a mom of four you will never hear me say "I don't know how people have only one kid" because maybe one kid is good for them. That's their prerogative. Kids are a handful. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. But I will say that I don't regret having a big family. I love my four to the moon and back. They keep me going. They make me laugh all the time. They chase me through the house to show me vines on youtube, the latest Kpop video or even a song they know that will annoy me to no end. Sure they drive me crazy but I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Rather a big family works for you or not. Its always best to remember that parents with more than one kid are living their lives with how they see fit just like you are.

All I gotta say is I can't imagine life without these four faces

Dream of a Russian invasion? It felt real

If you’re in my spiritual and dreams group on Facebook you have read about my extremely detailed dreams. I dream  every time I fall asleep. Some dreams are of my mom who died 8 years ago, some are sinister and involves  a lot of gore and violence. I always hate those dreams. They feel too real.  I also have had dreams of random events, hiding from strangers, traveling to many different places all in one dream or my least favorite running from war.

I had a dream that our tiny city here in Michigan was being attacked by extremists with tanks and I’m trying to run with my four kids. Where my husband is in this dream I never find out. But I tried to save my kids running from gunfire that never hits us and tanks that get closer and closer. As we are running from a tank that is right behind us my legs go in slow mo. I get to the point where I can’t run anymore and as I turn to look behind me at the tank I wake myself up not wanting to know what was gonna happen. I hope I never have that dream ever again.

But this dream was... It was a dream that felt so real I had to tell my husband about it. I couldn’t believe how real it felt. So I’m sharing this on here.

I am walking down the street with another girl and we turn to check ourselves out in a shops window. I am wearing a blue dress (which I find odd because I never wear dresses. Ever)  so I look at the other girl and out of nowhere this American soldier is grabbing us and telling us to run. So I go to run past him and he yells “ no not that way, the Russians are throwing toxic gas at the people. So he pulls me back and says run behind me and fast.” I look and see Russian soldiers running towards us. I then turn, I look at this American soldiers face and I just ran. I ran and ran until I couldn’t anymore. I’m not sure if something hits me but then the dream switches to me walking out of a building and a Russian man walks over to me and speaks to me in Russian. He seems to know me, as he smiles at puts his arms around me. I seem to understand him but in my head I hear the Russian as if it’s a foreign language. I know I understand him because I reply back in Russian and the freaky part about the whole moment  is I don’t speak Russian. So the man lets me go as a Russian soldier walks up. He looks down at me, smiles and walks away with the soldier and as they walk up a staircase into another building I hear a lady with a group of teenage girls yell my name “Amelia! Get down her we gotta go.” As she’s looking up at my with a concerned look on her face. So I run down the stairs and get in line with a group of girls I don’t know but one I seem to be friends with because she puts her arm around me and says “ walk fast”. So here I am walking with two adult women and a group of girls ina hurry when the women stop us and say “ come on in here” and we all make our way into a corridor.

As we are walking through we are told to look for a red door. I’m looking around at many different red doors thinking “ pretty much every door is red” so I walk to many to try and open them and they don’t budge. I back up from one door only to watch another red door crack open. And a young woman stands looking at us. She then opens the door and says in English “ this way and quick” As we are led down a spiral stairway I couldn’t help but realize we were going into hiding. And as we hurried into her house, yes it was a house, we were told that we were safe there.

As I make my way into her living room I look to realize my son Landon and my brother norman are there. Only to be told my son is actually my little brother in this dream. Everyone is talking to the young woman who tells us she is a author and has written many books. Showing us her books and everyone is smiling and talking. It was then that we heard a noise above us. The atmosphere changed. The woman turns off the lights. Tells us all to be quiet and she goes through the door leading to the stairwell. We all stand in complete silence as we hear more knocking, banging, some gunfire and her yelling no in Russian and screams. I run into the kitchen to hide as I hear footsteps running down the stairs. At this point I didn’t want to know what was going to happen. I didn’t want to seee the girls die or what was gonna happen to my son or my brother. I didn’t want to know. So I woke myself ya. I woke up and looked around my room thanking god it was a dream. But you know what I hate about the dream? The legit fear I felt. I felt the danger and fear not only from myself but also from every person in that room.

How do I remember details in my dreams? I am not sure but every dream I have ever had I always remember. I have many I could share that felt real. Like the dream I had a few days after my mom died she had came to me in a dream and the hug she gave me felt so real that I could feel her cheek touching mine. I woke up crying that morning. Missing my mom more.

I know what you’re probably thinking. I must have watched a war movie last night and it caused my dream. No. Actually I watched a found footage movie of the Phoenix lights in 97 last night. It was about aliens. Very entertaining. But this dream came outta nowhere and I hope I don’t repeat it. I don’t want to know what happens.

Isolation- What a Special Needs Parent

Doesn’t need. I have experienced this myself among family, friends and total strangers. It’s the loneliest feeling on the planet and I have a few special needs moms that would agree. It hurts the soul. Let me give you an example. My dad had my siblings and their families over for dinner but not once was my family ever invited. Never mentioned it either in fact I had no clue until a sibling said something and it did bother me cause o know it’s becahse of Landon. Just like many parties or social events. It’s the reason I literally don’t care to go. Granted I missed a cousins wedding for my kid cause my kid wanted me there. I’m gonna choose my daughter first and foremost.

I was talking with a band mom before the homecoming football game about this very subject. Her sister is going through the same. Left out a lot and was never invited to functions let alone play dates. I told her I knew how that felt. I have lost friends. I have learned to isolate myself from everyone because I feel like I can’t relate to no one. She said that her sister has done the same and it’s sad. There is nothing like feeling that you don’t belong in a room full of people when you mention the fact that you have four kids and one is special needs. It’s like they make their fingers into a cross sign and get away as fast as they can. I literally felt that way last week talking to a few band moms.

It’s like your kid has a disease they’re afraid of catching. It pisses me off so much and I just want to go off sometimes. But I don’t. I walk away. Go to the stands  and wait for my kid to greet me in her marching band uniform. Honestly the mention of a special needs mom makes you see the true colors of people. Maybe they do it because they don’t know hoe to relate or what to say. Maybe their ignorance is getting the best of them. Maybe they feel sorry for me and don’t know how to express it in fear of offending me.

Here’s a clue. I’m a human being. Treat me like you would anyone else. You can talk to me I won’t bite. I have an eclectic taste in music and movies. I love history. Books. I could recommend some great books depending on your genre. I don’t know much about art but hey we can conversate about art or sculptures if you like. Hell even sports. Maybe not much baseball but I do like football and hockey. If you want to talk about everyday life and raising teenagers hey I’m down for that too.

I read the article the other day on this very subject. It’s sad that it’s even a subject. It’s ansolutely heartbreaking to know that many special needs parents feel the way I do. Why should it be that way? Just cause people can’t relate or feel sorry for us. Don’t. We don’t need sympathy for raising a child or children who won’t have the easiest life. What we need from you is a sense of belonging. If you can do that for a special needs parent it would make a huge impact. Trust me cause I always wish someone aside for my hisband was there for me.

To those who judge

To the women who felt the need to yell at me and call the Sheriffs Department on me today. Thanks for that. Thanks for showing me that there is judgmental ignorant people in this world. You yelled at me from your fancy cars. Feeling the need to distract me from my 14 year old teenaged boy who got our of our front yard. If you would've taken the time to listen to me through your unwanted shouting while you're driving down Cass Ave. You would've heard me say
MY SON IS SPECIAL NEEDS AND HES TRYING TO GET AWAY. HE HAS NO FEAR. HE DOESN'T SEE CARS AS DANGER. I'M JUST TRYING TO SAVE HIM!!!But no instead you yell at me to let him go. Yeah let him go so you can watch him run into traffic and die. Right? Let him run in front of cars like he has done so many times. So many times we had to resort to alarms on all windows and doors and extra locks everywhere. We have to watch him like a hawk when we're outside cause you never know when hes gonna decide to book it for the busy road.You're so worried about me holding my kid down but I didn't see any of you pull over to ask maybe just maybe what was going on. No instead you call the Sheriffs department. The very sheriffs department that knows our kid who has ran from them many times across traffic without getting hurt. Yeah... You who watched me get kicked and slapped and hair pulled trying to keep him from getting away. Yeah YOU. YOU are the reason I hate people. You are the reason I feel like the human race is doomed. You who felt the need to judge me without knowing my story. I bet you couldn't walk a day in my shoes. You have no idea what I go through day in and day out and yet in a way I think you could care less. Maybe next time take the time to find out whats going on and help instead of judging a mom whose already being knocked to the ground. Cause today I felt not only the weight of my kid almost dying. But the weight of anger, sadness, hate and resentment. Bruised, broken and sick of life. Yet these are the SAME perfect people who criticize parents whose kids are on the autism spectrum that get out of the house and end miles away from home or hurt and sometimes dead. These are the same people who comment "WHERE WERE THE PARENTS?" Well I was one of those parents today. Trying my damndest to save my kid and you treated me like garbage you saw on the ground but instead of picking it up, you stepped on it anyway. I hope you don't receive the same treatment that you gave me.

In conclusion to this rant:
YOU can take your judgement and shove it where the sun doesn't shine.

Sincerely,

Mom of a teenager on the spectrum who eloped today

My Finnish Roots

Part one:


When I was a kid I always wondered what my dads background was. I knew his mom, my grandma Aggie was Spanish and English but I didn't know anything about his dad. In fact his dad was a touchy subject. Still is to this day. 

I did get to meet Norman Chester Anderson. I only got to meet him once from what I remember. I remember being a little kid and my parents taking my siblings and I to his house, I remember my mom telling me to give my grandpa Anderson a hug and I remember looking at her like "I have a grandpa?" It wasn't a very long visit. I only remember looking up at him, giving him a hug and that's about the gist of it.

I never saw him again after that. My parents tried to get him to see us six kids. They tried to get him to be a part of our lives but he showed no interest and that was his and his wifes choice. They chose to not know us. Its sad. That I had a chance at having a grandpa (my moms dad died when she was 20) and he chose not to be our grandpa. So there is a lot of resentment there on my dads part. I can't say I blame him as Norman wasn't really a dad nor was he a grandfather. My grandma Aggie and my grandma Sarah were the only two grandparents I knew. So growing up I didn't know any cousins from the Anderson side at all. -

It was when I did a DNA test a few years ago that I learned that my dads dad Norman Chester Anderson was 100% Finnish. His father was Juho Emil Pyykko born on September 19 1892 in Muhos, Finland. His mother was Matilda Sihverintytär Pyykko. Matilda was born on July 6 1861 in Utajärvi, Finland. When Juho and his mother left Finland he was 15 years old. The family in Finland believe she left Finland with Juho because she was afraid that as soon as he came of age he would be put into the Russian army. After her husband died it was just her and Juho. There were family in Michigan that convinced her that she should leave and immigrate to Michigan for a better life. So Matilda and Juho made the journey from Northern Finland to Hanko, Finland to get on the ship Urania to head to Liverpool, England.

Who was Juho Emils father? That is unknown as his birth record doesn't show a father. It only shows his mother and godparents. 

This is Juho Emil Pyykko record of birth from Muhos, Finland 

On March 8, 1907, Matilda and John boarded the Urania and were on their way to England.

By September 8, 1907, they were at Liverpool, England.  They boarded the British ship called the Empress of Brittain.  

Detailed passenger information   

Last name  Pyykkö  

First names Matilda 
Age or age class  41
Port of departure  Hanko 

Place of destination  Quebec
State of destination  PQ

Country of destination CDN
Price of ticket  USD 41  

Ship from Finland  Urania
Date of departure from Finland  03.08.1907  

Ship from England  Empress of Britain 
Date of departure from England  09.08.1907   

Ocean Line  C.P.R. Line
Port of departure in England  *
List and page  59/43 

Its makes me wonder what my great grandfather was thinking when he was making this journey to America. A new country. A place where he has to learn a new language. A place that he would live in for the rest of his life. It makes me wonder what was going through his mind as a fifteen year old kid. 

This photo of Juho Emil was taken in Michigan

Matilda and Juho made their journey from Canada to Michigan. Matilda actually went by Tillie to many relatives here in Michigan. In the 1920 Federal Census, she lived with a cousin, Fredrika Hoppala.  She lived in Traverse City, Michigan behind a bar. She moved to the upper peninsula of Michigan to a town called Laurium. According to family who I have found told me that Matilda had a green thumb. She had gardens of vegetables, flowers and fruit trees. She smoked a pipe every night before bed and according to a cousin, Matilda never learned English. She only spoke Finnish. But she was a tiny and refined woman who chopped wood all the way into her 80s.

These are photos of my great great grandmother Matilda Pyykko. My cousin Carol graciously shared a treasure trove of photos with me.

Juho Emil Pyykko changed his name to John Emil Anderson. He served in the US Army and was a private in the air service for World War 1. The family believes he changed his name for the Army to Americanize it. When you look at the surname Pyykko you wouldn't know that its pronounced Boooka. This is his WW1 Draft record. Ignore his date of birth. Its wrong. 

Amazing how his mother moved him from Finland to prevent him from being thrown into the Russian army and here it shows he fought for a country he immigrated to many years before.

He was a man of many trades who loved photography and played the Kantele, a Finnish stringed instrument. He met and courted a Finnish girl by the name of Ellen Lyytikainen and for their first date he made her a pair of skis. This is a photo of John and Ellen on skis he made.

He fell in love with Ellen and asked her to marry him. They were married on May 25 1918 in Oneco, Houghton, Michigan. This is their marriage record. 

I remember the first time I saw their photo (courtesy of my cousin Carol) I was in absolute awe. I saw a photo of a lovely couple. This is the photo she shared with me. I was told it was originally on the wall in their house in Gay, Michigan.

And this one too

Before DNA I had no idea about my Finnish background. I didn't know where the Anderson family came from or what to expect. Then Ancestry showed my top ethnicities and Finland/Northwest Russia showed up at the top I was actually shocked. It was then I asked my friend aka adopted uncle Kaj Osterberg if he could help me with my search. He is the reason it all began and I always give him the credit because without him I wouldn't have had a clue how to start in Finland. When he found me on Myspace the first thing he told me was that I look like a Finnish girl. Who would've thought how right he was when it came to my background. He is the kindest man I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. He lives in Helsinki, he found me on Myspace because we share a common taste in music (Johnny Cash, Elvis, all the greats) and I am so happy he did. That was almost 12 years ago. I have never met him but for me he is family and that is why I call him my adopted uncle. He actually shares a ancestor with my mom. That was a great find!

I remember asking my grandma Aggie about Norman Chester Anderson. So one day she decided to share photos with me of them. 

This is a photo of Agnes Evangeline Vasquez and Norman Chester Anderson, my grandparents. I believe she said this was before they were married. They were married on July 2 1946 in Pontiac, Michigan. Norman was 22 and Agnes was 20. 

Another photo of Norman and Agnes Anderson with my aunt Janice.

I believe she told me that they were introduced to each other by a friend and they started dating. Then they married and had four kids, Janice, Gary, Norman and Johnny.

My dad and his siblings were raised Jehovah Witness. My dad was disfellowshipped and was estranged from his dad. He ended up leaving home and my grandma Sarah and grandpa Junnie ended up taking him in. That is where the story of my parents begin. It was with my mothers parents that my dad learned what love was. He learned how to hug. Say I love you. He learned a lot from them. My mom used to talk about how she didn't like him in school. But it was after he started to live with them was when he grew on her. We used to laugh at that story. Then they got married (mom was 20 and dad was 19) on June 6 1970 in Livingston County, Michigan.

My parents high school photos


Sarah Elnora Johnson                                                                                Norman C Anderson

                          

                                                                                     

Norman C Anderson, my dad was a blond when he was a kid. I didn't believe it until my grandma Aggie showed me a photo of him. It was crazy seeing him with blond hair. Gotta love how genetics change.

My dad doesn't like to talk about his dad. He does sometimes mention his grandpa John, Says he remembers him speaking in Finnish. He only got to see him a few times I believe seeing as John lived in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and my dad lived in Detroit. He remembers going into the sauna with his cousins and jumping in the lake after. Its a Finnish thing.

Ever since I started this genealogy and DNA journey I have learned a lot. I have learned about a country I had no idea I had a connection to. I learned how some Finns changed their surnames whenever they moved and I learned that researching Finnish ancestry can be rewarding and frustrating. Which why this is gonna be a part one of many. Cause there is a lot to share. I hope hope you enjoyed this so far because this is where I finally belong. I no longer question my ancestry on my dads side because here it is in photos and stories.

Face it folks.. DNA doesn't lie

I get a email from ancestry saying I have a new message. I open it to find a message that says

“ hello, I’m messaging you cause we are a dna match and I hope you don’t call me the n word or reject me like other cousins I have messaged. I just want to know more about my ancestry. I’m not trying to start trouble. But yes I am black and I am saddened by some of the messages I get. I hope you will message me back but if not I’ll understand.“

This message made me sad and angry for him. So I messaged him back.

Hello cousin! I’m happy you messaged me and I’m so sorry for all the ignorance and hateful unwarranted messages you have received. It’s their loss not yours and sadly your gonna come across those who deny their ancestors took part in slavery. I’m white and I have had my fair share of arguments with cousins about it. Knowing full well that our ancestors were from the south, had plantations and slave records from their land clearly show it. Not that it’s anything to be proud of, trust me the first record I came across made me sick for days.But to deny the dark past of American history is pretty much a slap in the face to the many descendants of all the souls that survived that horrible ordeal. I have dealt with many who don't care to relive the past yet if we don't learn from it we're doomed to repeat it right? I am sorry that they are in denial and are only making themselves look bad. Especially calling you the n word. I'm shaking my head on that one. You don't deserve that. You're not the n word. Their ignorance speaks volumes on the people they are.

With that said I will never talk down to you and I'll show you the same respect that I would want in return. So hello cousin, I'm am all for figuring out our relation and I hope you don't let the ignorance of others make you steer clear of doing your research. My mom used to say all the time "a cousin is a cousin no matter the distance." I gotta admit reading your message made me pretty angry for you. The audacity of some people is astounding. 

I just got another notification after I messaged him from ancestry that said

hello cousin! Thank you so much you have no idea how much you have made my morning. I cannot stop smiling right now. Thank you for the acknowledgement and understanding. For the message too. I am so glad I messaged you and don't worry I won't stop. But you are right its their loss. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am so glad I took the leap and messaged you. 

I messaged him back that he didn't need to thank me. I'm only doing what I came to ancestry for. I wanted to find family. Extend myself out there. I wanted to find out my moms roots and see what the secrets were that her family was hiding. I am happy to help in anyway with his research and honestly I told him:

To deny the fact that my ancestors owned slaves would be a travesty. If you deny what your ancestors did than you deny the descendants from knowing where they came from, from knowing their ancestors struggles and deny them of ever knowing the truth. 

I'm not about to do that. Its not right. I would rather know my cousins from all walks of life than to continue to show ignorance that unfortunately may never leave this world. I was raised to accept people for who they are on the inside not on the out. There is far more to a person than the color of their skin. I live up to that. I'm teaching my children that. So we're cousins. We share DNA. We share an ancestor. If they don't like it than that is on them but please know that not all of your cousins feel like them. 

I'm not going to call you the n word or treat you as if you're below me because of the color of your skin. You treat those with the same respect you wish to be treated. 

DNA shows that I have a many times great grandfather that had slaves and had non consensual relations with female slaves and in return they had descendants. Those descendants share DNA with me which makes them my cousin. Anybody who denies them clearly doesn't understand how DNA works and are only hurting their chances of knowing some really great people. We can't change the past but we can make it right.

I'm all for making it right.

DNA doesn't lie. 

Would you accept?

The other day a friend messaged me for some advice. Her daughter sat down with her and told my friend that she is in love with a girl. She wasn't shocked by it because she had always known her daughter found girls attractive. When her daughter was little she would point out little girls and talk about how beautiful they were. In a way she feels torn because her daughter is her only child but on the other hand she is okay with it and adores the girl that her daughter is in love with. But she asked me if I would accept it if one of my kids came out as gay. Would I accept them?

My answer is yes. If one of my twin sons or daughter sat me down and told me that they were into guys or girls I would totally accept it. Why? How could I not? I would be getting in the way of their happiness. If I didn't support them I would be showing them that its shameful to love who they love. I can't do that. I love my kids with my whole heart. If they want to be with someone from the same sex than I think they should do what makes them happy. I would accept it because love is love. 

Would I be shocked? Of course I would because my daughter is totally attracted to Asian boys and my boys love girls. When I say love I mean LOVE. They're totally into girls of all walks of life. They get embarrassed about it sometimes but trust me my son Gavin says he wants a girl like Beyonce, sassy, beautiful with some spice. Makes me laugh I swear. Brennan has a crush on a little girl at school but refuses to tell me her name because he says "she doesn't know I like her and I want to keep it that way". Its so cute how embarrassed he gets when it comes to girls. Hes in the "denial" stage. I remember those days. 

I was asked last year about how I would feel if my boys or daughter brought home a "minority" girlfriend or boyfriend? I told them that I would not have a problem with it. If they fall for someone who isn't white who am I to tell them that they can't be with that person? Yes I am mom. But honestly I would be a hypocrite if I didn't accept because my first love was black. I was 15 when I met him. We would hang out and watch movies. For me James was a person. His skin color didn't matter. Just like it shouldn't matter for my kids. If they want to love who they love than I'll be happy for them. No matter if its a same sex relationship or a relationship with a minority. As long as they're happy that is all that matters to me.

I gotta say though that if my boys do end up marrying feisty, beautiful women like Beyonce I hope they can handle them. Cause women like that don't play and they aren't afraid to show it.        

So would I accept my kids on who they love? Absolutely. If you don't accept it you're denying who they are and showing them that how they feel is wrong. Its not. Love is a beautiful thing that we as humans get to experience. Let them have their happiness and experience love with whoever they want. They only get one life... Let them live it. 

See it from their perspective

When it comes to raising a kid on the spectrum. We can't really tell what they're thinking. How they're feeling. Its basically a guessing game. Unless your child is high functioning and is able to express their feelings in their own way. My son Landon is non verbal. He can say some words but he cannot express to me why hes angry. In many ways he shows that hes angry as a way of expressing the frustration he is feeling and in those moments I just do what I can to get through because that is the downside of autism.

You gotta see it from their perspective and remember that if they could express their feelings through speech I'm sure we would hear a earful.

You have moments of frustration and moments of wanting to run and hide. Yes its rough dealing with the meltdowns, the screaming, the hitting, headbutting and hair pulling. Trust me it hurts like hell. But think about what they're going through. A lot of kids on the spectrum can't express that they're sad or angry so how do they show it? That's right.. Through meltdowns. There have been moments where Landon will meltdown at the drop of the hat and I'm bracing for hits, hair pulls and sometimes even headbutts. But I have learned to redirect his meltdowns with songs, tickles and even making dumb noises. Yes surprisingly it works. His laugh is so contagious I literally laugh with him. It never fails. But that doesn't mean it works with other children on the spectrum or in my case teenager on the spectrum.

I have had many discussions with parents whose kids are on the spectrum and I gotta say. I share their frustration. I know how they feel when it comes to the chaos that comes out of nowhere.But I also understand that my son Landon doesn't have the social skills to tell me that hes mad. He can't tell me whats setting him off. He can only express his anger through the only way he knows how and most of the time he takes it out on himself. I can't stand to watch my kid hit himself, punch himself and even bang his head. So I have resorted to figuring out ways to getting him out of his frustration. 

I think if you can find a song that calms them down, counting, singing, tickling and maybe even toys, noises or lights that they enjoy. If you can work on getting them out of their meltdowns.. It makes it so much easier to cope. Its something I learned over time. Even a hand held massager works on Landon. I have found that the vibration distracts him. Then again he is also cognitive impaired. He has a sensory delay so he enjoys the vibrations. 

As I have told other parents that it depends on the kid and what helps soothes them. Every kid on the spectrum is different. Some don't like to be touched. Some can't handle noise. I think if parents took the time to figure out what calms their kids down it would help. As I have learned its takes time to figure out the quirks of what makes them happy. Once you figure it out you definitely have to change it up.

I can say that raising Landon has been a big learning experience. I have learned more compassion and understanding. Raising him has made me a better person. I think it has shown me how cruel the world can actually be by people who don't understand and their ignorance shows. Its very disheartening but at the same time it helps me raise my other three kids to be the opposite. Not to judge. To show understanding and to never mistreat someone who is different that them. To be a great example to show the people that its okay that their brother is different but he is still a person. I am proud to say that my kids do just that everyday. 

An upside of autism is the smiles, the laughs, the unconditional love they show in their own special way. I wouldn't trade Landons smile or contagious laugh for another kid. Hes been Landon since the day he was born. Regardless of his autism. I don't think I could live without him and his quirks. I have learned so much from our special little man. 

If we all took the time to see the side of their world it would make it easier to understand why they lash out. How they feel. As a mom of a child on the spectrum I can honestly say that I wish I could put a voice into Landon. But that doesn't mean I want to change him. I just want him to be able to say I'm angry mom and this is why..

Never apologize to a parent with a special needs child or teen

Seriously... Just don't. There is never a good time to say "I am so sorry your son has autism and cognitive impairment. I cannot imagine what that must be like." Of course you can't. But understand.. As a mom who has known her son has been special needs since the womb there is nothing more I want to hear than I am sorry.

Don't be sorry. I don't need your sympathy. I don't need you to make it seem like because I am a parent of a "special needs child" that my life is over. Trust me when I say that it isn't. Do I wish the challenges and everyday chaos that ensues was easier? Hell yeah.

My son Landon is fourteen years old. He's strong, hyper active and very much a busy body. There are some days I run on empty. Coffee is my best friend a lot. But raising him I have learned so much. I have learned about compassion, activism and how to use my voice. Before I had kids I was a shy person. Never spoke up. Always kept to myself. Never really put myself out there. I liked being a loner. A quiet person. Then I got married and had kids and all that changed.

I advocate for all four of my kids. When my daughter was being bullied in middle school I called the school right away and spoke to the principal and the social worker because when my daughter gets to the point she doesn't want to go to school we have a problem. That problem was fixed. She got through it and now shes in high school and has so many friends that I can't keep track of names half the time.

I did the same for my twins and I do the same for Landon. Even though he goes to autism impaired school I have had my fair share of dealing with teachers and staff. He has had great teachers and some that would make me go off because they have no business being a special needs teacher. I have even had my fair share of moments with doctors too like Landons first pediatrician. This man is supposedly one of the best in the state of Michigan yet he kept telling us that Landon was just being lazy. That he needed to be put in a sitting position on the couch or the chair. That he didn't need a neurologist and got pissed off and dropped our kids as patients as soon as he found out that we got a neurologist anyway. Who by the way did their job, ran tests and even diagnosed Landon with motor apraxia. Guess what. No matter how much we tried to follow the "pediatricians" advice he didn't get better, It took a neuro and the MIPP program to get Landon to sit up, crawl and eventually walk.

It really bugs me when people apologize for your son or daughter because they're special needs. Yes we go through so much more but we also learn to cope and push through the challenges cause we have to. No one else is gonna make sure that they get a somewhat normal life like we do. Its either let them slip or fight for them and I don't know about other parents but I'm gonna fight for Landon every step of the way.

Sure its not peachy. There are days where I want to hide from everyone. But then what good does that do? It doesn't help him or his siblings if mama wants to run and hide. I suck it up and face it head on. You can't raise a special needs child or in my case teen with the mentality of running away. Cause whose gonna be their advocate? Who is gonna fight for them? Who is gonna be there when the public is not so nice and understanding? I will.

And with the public you have to bite your tongue a lot. I have never in my life disliked people in general until I became a parent of a special needs child. All those "friends" you had are gone. MIA. You take your son or daughter out to the store or into the community and you deal with the stares, the comments and the downright animosity because your kid is "different". I had a lady tell me at the park that our son had no business being there like he had aids or a contagious disease that will be spread to every kid there. It took everything in me not to yell at her in front of her kid. Instead I simply said to her "I feel sorry that your kids are being raised by a person like you" then I walked away. I don't know how other parents feel when it comes to raising their special needs kids. But I can say that it really opens your eyes to how the world REALLY is when a person finds out your kid is special needs.

We don't want to hear "I'm sorry", "Oh no that's terrible" or my all time cringe worthy phrase "you poor thing, its too bad that your son can't be normal" As if being "normal" is so great anyway. Cause let me tell you. Some "normal" people show the ugly inside when they look at your kid like hes carrying the plague and will kill off the human race. And I'm not exaggerating that. The death stares that my kid has received would make you think that the Terminator was real. Seriously...

Look at his face.. Hes a happy go lucky kid who is always smiling. Hes just so awesome <3

So please the next time you have a conversation with a special needs parent or a parent with a deaf child or blind child do not apologize. Instead show them some compassion. Some understanding and take the time to listen to their struggle. Just talk to them. Cause like you, we like to have someone to talk to. We like the interaction even if its about the weather, sports or maybe whats going on in the world.

Non verbal children and Halloween

I wish I could make this into a tag for little Landon. One Halloween a lady wouldn't give him candy until he said "trick or treat" we explained to her that he couldn't say it because hes non verbal. She didn't get it. So our kids Cheyenne, Gavin and Brennan felt so bad they all three gave him a piece of their candy to make up for what she did. I couldn't believe it. Sad that my kids show more compassion than that lady. Now we skip her house every Halloween.

Sometimes a kid can't say it because their shy. Sometimes a kid can't say it because they don't know how and sometimes a kid can't say it because he didn't understand. Compassion and understanding goes a long way.

If you come across a kid who can't say it remember that maybe they just can't. Give them some candy anyway. They dressed up and spent their evening dealing with crowds and all the chaos that over stimulates them. Just because they can't say trick or treat doesn't mean that don't deserve the fun of Halloween too. 

How do you cope?

Is what my doctor asked me today. Today I went to the doctors to find out why I for the past couple of weeks have been feeling like I'm on fire. Skin hot to the touch. Lava under my skin. So I mentioned having my thyroid checked since issues run in my moms family.

Then the doctor asked about my depression...

The issue of depression came up because while I was waiting I had to answer a questionaire about mental illness. I was diagnosed with depression years ago. Something I have lived with for years in silence. He asked if I were on meds at one point. I told him yes... First was Zoloft. It was prescribed to me after I had little Landon. That was 12 years ago. I took it for a few months but stopped because it made me want to kill myself. I would actually stand in my kitchen with my daughter and son and picture myself walking into oncoming cars. I would have other moments too where I thought about ending my life. I didn't like those thoughts at all and stopped taking them. I went to the doctor and told him how I felt and was then put on Effexor XR. Same results. Except the pills made me out of sorts and angry. Needless to say I didn't last on them either. Went back to the doctor and told him I didn't want to do meds anymore. I wanted to find other ways of coping.

So how did I cope? Writing in journals. My mom gave me that idea years ago. Writing my feelings always helped me get through my sadness, pain, anger, loneliness. A question in the questionaire asked "Do you feel lonely?" All the time. Depression is a mental illness where you can be surrounded by all the people you love but still feel like you're alone. I'm surrounded by my kids and my husband and some days I do feel absolutely alone. I feel like I have no one. When I know that they're there.

I have sat down many nights and wrote in a book, I feel alone, I have no one, I want to run away, I wish I could disappear from this earth because who would care anyway... In the light of Chester Benningtons death I know his pain. I know his sadness. I know the feeling of wanting to end it. I do. I have been a fan of Linkin Park since Hybrid Theory came out. I was a teenager then and dealing with deep sadness. Linkin Parks music and lyrics brought me out of the darkness many times. His death saddened me because in many of his songs I felt his pain. Its sad to see such a influence take his life. Not gonna lie but in the past I have been there. I however don't want to cause that kind of pain on my husband or children. So I stay and wallow in my sadness, my pain, my loneliness. But for others it just doesn't happen. Others see that maybe their families are better off without them. I once had those thoughts too.

I cope because I have to. I have a husband and four amazing kids that I don't want to leave behind. So I write. I write how I'm feeling. I write if I am sad or lonely. Hell... I write when I'm angry and pissed off at the world. The Dr said that was the greatest advice my mom could've gave me and I smiled and said "I know."


If you ever feel alone or sad just know that there are people who care. Talk about it. Write about it. Sing about it. Do what you gotta do. Life is precious. Live it the best you can.

Lyrics from the song Until Its Gone by Linkin Park always touched me....

\

Can't Stop The Feeling

Depression is loneliness. A struggle.

The quote:

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” 
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow



These past couple of days I haven't been myself. Angry. Sad. Lonely. Resentful to the world. All I want to do is lock myself away and sit in silence. But I have a family to think about. Clearly that can't be done.

I was diagnosed with depression many years ago. I attempted to take my life many times. My husband took me to the doctor and they gave me those "happy" pills that are supposed to help. They didn't. I couldn't tell you how many times while on those meds that I thought about walking out into traffic and hoping someone would hit me. I contemplated it so much that I stopped taking them. Why take a med that makes you want to die? So they changed it from Zoloft to Effexor XR. That one didn't work either. So I told the doctor I didn't want meds. I would try to go back to writing like I did when I was a teenager. I did. For a little while at least.

That was back in 2006-2007. Now I just deal with it in my own way. Sometimes I lose myself in genealogy to occupy my mind. To get myself out of the rut I'm in. Sometimes I try to lose myself in a book. It helps but the depression doesn't go away. I have tried to put up a "happy" front. Tried to make the best of everything and tell myself that "I'm good" but in reality I'm not. I'm not. I'm trying my best to stay on this earth. Anyone who has ever had that feeling are the only ones who truly understand. My kids are keeping me here. They are the reason I wake up and face a new day.

I wish I never had depression. I wish I never had this pain. This unlucky mental illness that has plagued me for so long. That causes me to feel alone in my pain. I absolutely loathe it. I have family that don't know my struggle nor sometimes does it seem they care. This is why I confide in no one. Not since the one person I used to confide everything to died on June 11 2010. The day a part of me went with her. I know that is where my anger has been stemming from lately.

Mothers Day is coming up. On facebook I see friends celebrating with their moms. Enjoying the day with smiles and the "I'm so grateful shes still here". I try to be happy for them. Like their photos but in reality I feel sad and envious because I wish I could say the same. I miss the days of asking my mom what she would like and hear "I don't know" and how it used to annoy me. Now I wish I could hear that I don't know. I wish I could get that hug and photo that so many people get. I wish I could sit in my backyard with coffee in my hand and my mom sitting next to me telling stories of her childhood in Tennessee and hearing about her grandparents that I never met. I can't even bring myself to sit back there with a coffee and it has been almost seven years.

This is also my birthday month. May 18th I'll be 36 years old. Just another day on this earth is how I see it. But I try to put on my best mood for my children. I spend the day with them and think about how my mom used to come over and celebrate it with me. Now its just my kids, my husband and me. Landon keeps asking me what I want for my birthday and I don't know. I don't even want to celebrate it. I just want to hide in my room and nap that day away.

Depression sucks. It drains you. It makes you feel like you're insignificant in others lives. I have never felt so alone in this world until my mom died. Now its like its just me and then there's the world. That's why I call my kids my blessings. They pull me out of my darkness when no one else will. Without them I wouldn't be here.